Understand The Man I Am
by berrisweet101
Summary: Rated M for language, abuse and slight OOC. At the age of 17 Gerald has everything going for him. He's got all the right friends, and even lands a date with the girl of his dreams. But then Gerald does something unforgivable and loses everything. Can he break the cycle of abuse, or will he forever live a life of pain and denial? All reviews are welcome!
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: Disclaimer! Please Read!**

Hello everyone I would just like to take this moment to get some things out of the way. For starters I do not own Hey Arnold; all rights go to the creator of the series Craig Bartlett. Second this is story inspired by and based on upon a book called Breathing Underwater. The novel is by Alex Flinn and she is absolutely amazing. I love her work so be sure to go and read the novel. I am not trying to plagiarize her work but just bring the subject matter to the forefront. There is also a companion book to Breathing Underwater called Diva, which is told from the ex-girlfriend's perspective after she broke up her boyfriend. Alex Flinn has written several other books that I absolutely love for their controversial subject matter. If you don't want to read these types of books I would just like to say that Alex Flinn is also the author of the book Beastly, which is now a major motion picture staring Vanessa Hudgens. She has also written at least three more books with the fairy tale theme, so again be sure to check her out. Now on with the story.

* * *

**July 14****th**

The beer can makes a loud clamor as it hits the asphalt. I crack open another one and gulp down half of it before releasing a loud obnoxious belch. _What beer am I on? Eight? Nine? _I don't care really, I'm already plastered.

"COME OUT HERE AND TALK TO ME YOU DUMB BITCH!"

I stagger towards her front door, my car no longer supporting me. I don't care if I wake up the whole block; she is going to talk to me.

"PLEASE! I'M SORRY! IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT TO HEAR?!" I finish my beer and throw it at the door. "WELL FUCK YOU THEN BITCH! YOU AIN'T SHIT WITHOUT ME!" I continue to try to force my way inside. "I love you!"

I stalk back to my car and try to tear another beer off of my six-pack. _Come to Daddy,_

Flashing blue and red lights illuminate the empty street. _How come they never show up when you need them? _Two officers get out of their car, one walks towards me, the other towards her house.

"Sir, is everything okay over here?" He flashes a white light it my face. I shield my eyes.

"No, make that bitch open the door!" I slurr. He looks over at his partner who was now talking to her parents.

"Sir we received a complaint that you are disturbing the peace. Have you been drinking tonight?"

"No, I've been writing poetry. The hell you think I've been doing?" I pour the beer down my throat. _Ten!_ I throw the empty can at his feet. "Now make her talk to me! I got to tell her I'm sorry."

"Alright son, I'm going to have to take you in," As he guides me to the squad car I see a glimpse of her. She is hiding behind her father but I see her.

"Girl, why you doing this to me? Come on let's just talk," I stumble closer to her. The fear in her eyes is evident as the officers restrain me. The cuffs bite into my skin. "This is your damn fault! Everything that happens is your fault!" She shakes her head as the officer drags me to the squad car.

"You have the right to remain silent."

_"You have the right to remain silent,"_

"You have the right to an attorney."

"You have the right to suck my dick!"

She is crying. _She doesn't want me to go! She loves me. _The loud thumping of my heart fills my ears. _Fuck this man; I need to be with my girl._ The cop continues to ramble on as I fight to see my beloved.

"I LOVE YOU! YOU FUCKING BITCH! I LOVE YOU!" The door slams in my face. I kick at the windows and try to break free of my restraints. _I'm gonna kill that bitch for doing this to me. Got me out here acting a damn fool! She knows I love her, why I got to go through this to prove it? _The officers enter the car a short time later.

"Will you keep it down back there? We are going to take you to holding and call your parents," says the officer who had talked to her parents.

"That's my girl you took away from me." We were all quiet for a beat. "Hey pull over, I'm gonna hurl." Black spots dot my eyes as I empty my stomach. I laugh at their shouts of disgust, before passing out on the seat.

* * *

**August 17****th**

I watch her closely as she enters the court room. She isn't late, I am early.

"Punctuality Gerald, that is always important. Remember if you're early you're on time, if you're on time you're late, and if you're late you might as well admit you are a failure." My father had lectured me as we left the house this morning. I am always early.

She won't look at me as she follows her parents to the other side of the court room. _Why won't she look at me?_ She sits close to the aisle. _Please look at me! Please!_ I feel like I am staring a hole into her head. _Why are you doing this to me? It's not that serious! We can work this out._

"Eyes forward Gerald. You have already made a mistake, no need to make it worse." I turn my attention to the witness stand. I can feel her parent's eyes on me; I know they wish I was dead. Part of me wishes the same. I concentrate on my alter ego, the Gerald that everyone knows and loves. All my ex-friends, even Arnold, who isn't my best friend anymore, they saw what I wanted them to see. The Gerald who is the life of the party, the keeper of urban legends, boxer, and all around cool guy. Lies, all lies. I glance at her through my peripheral vision. She has cut her hair into a pixie style; it looks nice on her. _Dress seems a little short though, who is she trying to impress? Me?_ Only she knew the truth about me, about my family. The only one I allowed to get close enough, not even Arnold could be trusted. He would just try to fix everything. _How did we get here baby?_

It was easier to lie to my friends. They all turned their backs on me in a heartbeat anyway, so I knew I had made the right choice. That's why I knew I could lie my way out of this mess. After seventeen years of lying, deception had become second nature. I'm surprised to see a male judge enter.

M_aybe he will take my side,_

I watch as the bailiff swears her in on the witness stand.

"I love you," I mouth. She doesn't notice. I try my hardest to appear ashamed. The key to deception is appearing innocent, and I can be one hell of an angel. A lawyer in a pinstripe suit begins to ask her questions.

"Please state your name for the record,"

"Phoebe Heyerdahl," Her adorable voice is barely above a whisper.

"In my hands I have the testimony you gave police on the morning of July 15th. At this time would you like to recant your statement?"

She pauses. "No,"

"Do you testify that you were involved in a relationship with the respondent Gerald Martin Johanssen?"

"Yes,"

"Is he here today?"

"Yes,"

"Please point him out,"

I hear her swallow before she stretches out her slender pale finger. _I wonder if she is wearing that nail polish I bought her._

Our eyes meet. _Remember Phoebe; remember all the good times we had._ Our connection is brief.

"Alright Phoebe could you please discuss the relationship you had with Mr. Johanssen?"

"He's my boyfriend," I feel a smile tug at the corner of my lips. "He's my ex-boyfriend."

"How long were you two dating?"

"Not too long…six, maybe seven months." _Six months and three weeks. Hell, we've been friends since we were in preschool! Why couldn't she remember that?_

"Was your relationship sexual?"

"…Yes," _Why is she hesitating?_ "It was consensual too. He never…he never raped me." _I would never hurt you Phoebe! Why are you doing this to me? You know I love you!_ Mrs. Heyerdahl tries to quiet her sniffles.

"What happened on March 14th?"

"He…" She exhales slowly. "He hit me." Phoebe bites her lip, and I can see her trying to hold back tears. "He hit me, and he was abusing me throughout our whole relationship."

I look up at the judge. _He's a man. He won't be sympathetic to her sob story. He will see it's just this big misunderstanding. _

"Why are you just now requesting for an order of protection?" Beetle Juice could go back to hell for all I cared.

"After we broke up he began stalking me. That's why my father called the police and had him arrested."

If looks could kill my father would have done it twenty times over by now. I was only in holding, the drunk tank really. Something about his glare was quite sobering.

I can no longer hear her words after that. Her mouth is moving but she sounds like the adults on Charlie Brown. My father puts his giant paw of a hand on my shoulder. To an outsider it looks like an act of comfort, _don't worry son, it's going to be okay._ He's squeezing me so hard I feel like my arm will pop out of its socket.

"Are you in immediate fear for your safety?"

"Yes, I am scared he will try to hurt me again."

The judge says she can step down. Phoebe collapses into her mother's waiting arms.

"Mr. Johanssen would you like to come up and testify? Your testimony is unnecessary and would only serve to proof of your character." Before I know it my butt hits the witness stand.

I can see the vein in my Dad's head throbbing.

"Don't admit to anything. Deny it all. Do you understand me?" He had growled at me during the car ride. "They will see this is nothing more than some childish disagreement."

I'm sworn in. Is it still perjury if you swear on a book you don't believe in?

"Mr. Johansson, you may speak," Judge Banks looks down at me.

"I would never hurt Phoebe! I love her!" I look right at her, hoping she could see how much I care. Her eyes stay glued to the floor. "This thing is getting blown way out of proportion. I mean it was just a slap when she pushed me way too far. I didn't even bruise her."

"So you admit that you assaulted her on the day of March 14th of this year?"

"I didn't assault her! It was an accident! I would never hurt her on purpose. Phoebe knows that. She's my whole world! I would do anything to protect her. Why are we making this into a big thing?"

"Because Mr. Johanssen, this is a serious matter. From both testimonies, and the evidence provided by the emergency room physicians, I am granting the order of protection."

"What? No! You can't do that! You can't keep us apart! We love each other! Phoebe please tell them this is all a mistake! That you don't mean any of this! That we love each other! Tell them!" Phoebe is sobbing in her mother's arms, afraid to answer me.

"Mr. Johanssen please be quiet! One more outburst like that and I will hold you in contempt. It is clear that this is not a healthy relationship and the order of protection will be put in place immediately for up to one year. In addition to that I am requiring that Mr. Johanssen begin a six month outpatient therapy program, to help him understand the seriousness of his actions." The judge turns to me and I want to knock that smirk off of his face.

"You still don't think you've done anything wrong do you son?"

_Son? Son? _I can feel my fist clenching.

"You said it not me,"

"Listen here boy; I can't stand young men like you."

"Well then allow me the honor of leaving your courtroom." I stand up.

"Sit down Gerald." I sit. _Now we're on a first name basis Judge?_

"You men think that you can just push around your girlfriends just because you are angry. The world doesn't owe you anything, and there is no reason for you to take your frustrations out on someone you supposedly love." My eyes cut to my father. _Hear that Dad, maybe listen to something he's saying._ His eyes are on fire. He doesn't care what the judge is saying. I've already fucked up. I wonder what my punishment will be this time.

"In addition to your therapy I am requiring that you keep a journal documenting your relationship. It will need to be five hundred words minimum each week. You will turn it into your therapist each week for approval. After your rehabilitation you will submit it to me. I won't read it unless you want me to. I just want to know your version of events leading up to this day. It can be the truth, but if you want to lie that's fine too. I don't mind reading a fairy tale. Hopefully after nine months you will see where you went wrong and learn from your mistakes."

_A fucking journal? Who does he think I am? I'm not going to do that!_

"My work will rival that of Hemmingway sir."

"Sarcasm is not an admirable quality son. If you violate any of this court's rulings I will throw your butt in jail so fast your head will spin."

_Jail? Like real jail?_ I feel my throat going dry. I've heard what they do to people in jail if they were convicted of hitting a woman. The only people who get it worse are pedophiles and rapists.

"You're lucky son. Next year you will be eighteen. If this happens again you might not get off so easy. Court is adjourned." He bangs his gavel.

I punch the wall next to the witness stand. _Why couldn't that be his face?_ The bailiff makes his way towards me but I just head for the exit. "I'm going, I'm going," My fist hurts, but I was still able to uncurl my fingers. I can't afford a broken hand.

I don't see Phoebe as my father and I leave the courthouse. _Probably for the best since I'm not allowed to be around her anymore. _

"You just had to go an open your big fat mouth huh Gerald?" I look him in the eye. _Never look away. Averting your eyes is a sign of weakness, an admission of guilt._ He reaches his hand towards me and I flinch. _Calm down he's just buckling his seatbelt._ "Why can't you just do as you're told? You always mess up and make mistakes. Why is that Gerald?"

We stop at a traffic light. "Maybe it's my upbringing?" My head hits the window.

"No one like a smartass Gerald," _Remember, silence is golden. _

I watch the road.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: Very Important! Please read this before continuing!**

Since I cannot change the font, aside from italics, I had to get creative with the flashback/journal scenes. So when it is a flashback/journal scene, the scene will begin and end with a page break line. I know a bit annoying, (I had a really nice font I wanted to use for the journal scenes too) but we just have to deal with it. Almost every present day event will be known by the bold type telling either the time of day, or the date. Alright now enjoy Chapter Two!

* * *

**August 18th **

_To: Judge Banks_

_From: One smart ass son of a bitch_

_Re: Do you even care?_

That's all I've written so far. I wanted to start writing yesterday but life got in the way. After we got home Mom made the mistake of asking us how it went. Her and Dad ended up fighting for an hour before he finally told her to shut the hell up and get started on dinner.

"Gerald, your coach called me today. He asked me why you haven't been going to training. Why haven't you been going to training Gerald?"

I stopped poking at Mom's dry meatloaf. Beads of sweat began to form on my forehead. He wasn't looking at me but I paid attention to his eyes anyway. The question was like a loaded gun. One false move and I would be done for.

"I've been busy Dad. This whole…situation has taken up a lot of my time. I'm going in the morning though,"

He sipped his beer. "Another reason you need to get your life together. You have a good thing going at that gym. You have competitions to prepare for. I will not let you be the first Johanssen man to not win at least one title." Dad took a bite of his meatloaf.

"I will do my best Dad." My body felt as hard as stone. We have had this conversation before and it never ended well. He wanted a champion and I wanted no part of it. Like my older brother Jamie-O, I took up boxing around thirteen. It was a Johanssen family tradition. I never knew anyone who went on to become famous, but all the men in my family were well known at their local gyms, and often placed in regional competitions. Jamie-O even got a scholarship because he won so many competitions. I had reluctantly agreed to take up the sport, hoping to please him. Dad was never that good at it, and he only won one fight, quitting the sport right after. Grandpa never thought much of him after that. Dad was never the violent type before he started drinking, probably why he was only a desk clerk during the Vietnam War. I am good at it though, really good. My coach would encourage me to join competitions but I just didn't want to be another trophy for my Dad to show off. I had my coach lie and say I wasn't ready, and that I should focus more on school. Dad said that since I wouldn't bring him a trophy, I should at least pull my weight and forced me to get a job at the gym. Nothing serious, just cleaning locker rooms and dispensing towels, that kind of junk. Dad let me keep the money too, so I guess it wasn't all that bad. I ended up calling my coach this morning and feigned sick. Ever since this mess started I couldn't bring myself to face him. He is going to kill me when he finds out and I want to delay my death as long as possible.

After dinner Dad drank himself into a stupor. Timberly and I hid out in our rooms. Sometimes he was a friendly drunk, and then there were the times when you should run like a bat out of hell. We were no longer willing to play this Russian roulette game. Dad had his way with Mom last night. Timberly slept in bed with me. When I was younger I never would have let that shit happen. Guess I'm just trying to be a good big brother. She started doing this after the first violent outburst. He scared the crap out of us. Dad promised he would never let the stress of his new job get to him again. That was seven years ago. Don't get me wrong, Timberly can handle herself, but she's still so young, she wants our family to be perfect again. Or at least she wants to be the center of attention again. Instead of going to the gym I walked with Timberly to Slausen's and we got ice cream. One last summer thrill before we hit the daily grind of school again. She's starting the eighth grade this year. I don't want to tell her that I'm beginning therapy next weekend. I don't want her to see me as a failure. I don't want her to think that I'm like our father.

I can hear Dad yelling about the bills. Mom is trying to console him, keep him quiet so the neighbors won't hear. I look down at my journal and sigh. _Let's see if writing will cleanse my soul._

* * *

It was Thursday morning, the second week of junior year. Arnold was fiddling with my busted radio, hoping to find a station that wasn't just static.

"You really should replace this thing Gerald, how are we supposed to cruise around town if we don't have any music?"

"Will you relax man?" I turned into the school parking lot. "I'm saving up to get a whole new system. Bass, speakers, the works. Trust me I got this; just give me a couple of months."

"That's what you said when you first got the car, _last year_." He rolled his eyes.

"Fuck you," I laughed. I found a spot not too far away from the main building. Some cute girls waved at us as we walked inside. Well, they really waved at Arnold. Something about his yellow bed head hair was just so damn appealing. He told me how his ex-girlfriends would love to run their hands through it, brushing it for him. "So what's this I heard about you and Lila?" Lila was one of the hottest girls at our school. I had no interest in her as I knew how manipulative she could be, but Arnold couldn't see past her charm.

His face turned a bright red. "Nothing, she just wants to hang out at Slausen's. It's not that serious."

"Mhmm, I know when you're lying to me Arnold. You've been after her since we were in the fourth grade. I guess she finally took pity on your desperate ass."

Arnold and I had been best friends since preschool. Growing up we went on lots of wild crazy adventures. He's brave and will go out of his way to help people, even when it's unnecessary. That's what I liked about him; he was always looking out for the little guy. Arnold even taught me how to ride a bike and was the only person who didn't tease me when my voice changed after I had my tonsils taken out. If there was anything annoying about him it was that he was always looking on the bright side. But he was always there for me, and I loved his optimistic ass. He was my brother. I'd die for him, and I know he would do the same for me.

"Hey at least I'm talking to someone, you are still sad and lonely my friend." We stopped at his locker so he could gather his books for first period.

"Those sound like fighting words buddy. Besides you know who I'm interested in." I glanced to my right.

Arnold looked over his shoulder and grinned. "When are you going to stop acting like a wimp and ask her out? It's been eight years!"

"Will you shut up, she might hear you!"

"Hi Arnold," Came her sweet angelic voice.

"Hey Phoebe,"

"Good morning Gerald," I gave her a small wave, as my tongue was now tied in knot.

Phoebe walked over to her locker, a few feet away from where we were standing.

Phoebe Heyerdahl. There were not enough words to describe the beauty before me. To say I had a crush on her would be an understatement, I was absolutely nuts about the girl. I started to develop feelings for her when I was nine, when it was still easy to flirt with her. Once she hit puberty that all changed. Phoebe developed curves and I was no longer the only guy vying for her attention. Now I've dated plenty of girls over the years, but Phoebe has always had a special place in my heart. From her innocent smile, to her cute but sexy geek chic attire, I was in love with her. I was just too nervous to ask her out as I we came from too different worlds. I was in the popular crowd, and while she was liked, Phoebe was a total geek. Dating a geek would be social suicide, and I still had two more years left with these people. I was too scared to rock the boat.

"Gerald, you're drooling again. Will you just go talk to her?" Arnold slammed his locker shut.

I blinked a few times before nodding my head. "You're right, time to stop being a little bitch and ask her out."

"Or something like that." I ignored him and walked over to her. Phoebe had her raven waist length hair up in messy bun. She probably just rushed out the house. I wished I could be her hair tie.

"Good morning Phoebe. You look really nice today." She looked up at me and smiled. Her almond shaped eyes were only enhanced by her new glasses.

"Why thank you Gerald,"

"I haven't seen you lately. It sucks that we don't have any classes together." I said coolly.

"Oh I know it is a shame. I'm just taking so many AP classes this year. But I am thinking of dropping one or two, you know, so I won't be so stressed out." She bent down to retrieve a book and I couldn't help but admire her petite frame. "Do you have any class recommendations Gerald? I wouldn't mind sharing a class with you."

"Well I actually like my-"

"Sorry I'm late Phoebe! Bob was being a douche with a capital bag this morning!" Helga cut me off. She pushed me aside and threw open her locker, which was directly next to Phoebe's, and tossed her bag inside.

"It's quite alright Helga. Gerald was keeping me company."

Helga whipped around and scowled at me. "I don't know Pheebs, you could find better company."

"I could say the same about you Pataki." I glared at her. Helga G. Pataki. I hated that bitch. I've known her just as long as I've known Arnold and Phoebe, and she's always been a bully. If she didn't agree with something, she would fight tooth and nail to have things her way. Hell she liked to beat people up if they just looked at her the wrong way. "Now can you get out the way mono brow? Phoebe and I were having a conversation."

"What did you say to me tall hair boy? I'm not afraid to break out O'l Betsey and the Five Avengers." She growled as she cracked her knuckles. We both liked to hit below the belt. Once we got to middle school Helga had gotten rid of her mono brow, and had now developed into a rather shapely young woman. She reminded me a lot of her older sister Olga, and she was one sexy chick. If Helga wasn't such a bitch I wouldn't have minded trying to hit it. I on the other hand had this ridiculous hi-top fade growing up; my hair was huge! Got to love growing up in the nineties! Helga teased me so much about it that I ended up cutting it off in middle school. Now I just sport a curly fro, but it's pulled into a low ponytail half the time thanks to boxing.

The school bell rang before Helga and I could exchange blows. "Oh will you look at the time. Helga come on we are going to be late for our AP English class." Phoebe tugged on her friend's hand. "It was nice talking to you Gerald. See you around,"

I muttered a bye as I stalked back to Arnold.

"It was going good until Helga showed up." He said reassuringly.

"She's the ultimate cock block I swear!"

"Don't worry Gerald. You still got all day to try; she and Helga aren't attached at the hip." I nodded my head in agreement. Waiting seemed to be my best option.

* * *

I put my pen down. _Over a thousand words, that should be good __enough for two weeks._

"Damn it Joy! Why isn't dinner ready?" Dad's home. I look at my alarm clock; it's six thirty. _He's early._ "I expect dinner to be ready in thirty minutes or there will be hell to pay!" I tune him out. Unless the situation involves me, it's none of my concern. I go to my dresser and wrap my hands. Before Jamie-O left for college he helped me set up a punching bag in my room. I had it put in under the ruse of training, but it really only served to reduce my stress. _Cleanses my soul a lot more than writing in that damn journal._ I hear a dish break. The sound of me hitting the bag drowns out Mom's cries. Timberly creeps into my room a couple of minutes later. We share a knowing look. _It's going to be one of those nights. _I continue punching the bag.


	3. Chapter 3

**August 25th **

What did I get myself into? This is not how I envisioned spending my Saturday mornings, and I had six months of this crap. Picture this, a room of five guys who all got sent here for something we did to our partners. I look around at the four other men who were screwed over by the justice system. We all share the same scowl but have nothing else in common. I find myself sitting between a dude who looks like he only drinks water imported from some secluded hot spring, and a red head that would fit in perfectly at a comic convention. _These guys aren't the type I expect to get in any trouble with the law. I wonder what they did to get here. What am I saying? I don't even need to be here. _Across from me sits a guy who looks normal by all accounts, nothing too special about him, just shaggy brown hair and a long lean body. Next to him is this gothic looking motherfucker with stretched earlobes. He's picking at his black nails. _Well I guess we know who the crazy one is._

There are two empty seats. We sit in silence, sizing each other up when the door suddenly bursts open and another man enters the room. _Samoan, damn is he one of us? _He is slightly chubby but I can see the muscles rippling beneath his skin, waiting to be challenged. We all watch in awe as he sets his book bag on the floor and sits down in one of the chairs. This is the type of guy Dad would love to see me fight in the ring. The thought of actually doing it terrifies me to know end.

He claps his hands together. "Alright everyone let's get started. My name is Leon and I will be your counselor for the next six months. You all are here for one reason or another, be it court ordered or of your own free will." _Why would anyone come here willingly?_ "So let's get some ground rules out of the way. Rule number one, be on time." As if on cue the door to the room flies open and I squirm in my seat as this cholo walks in. I'm not intimated by him physically, but in my neighborhood, the Hispanic and Black gangs do not get along. I have seen him around before too. His name is Chuey. I've never had any problems with him but I didn't want to start.

"You're late Mr. Ramirez," Leon says after quickly scanning his roster.

"I know boss man, but I had some business to take care of," _Probably drug business._ "It won't happen again."

"I'm going to hold you to that. If any of you are going to be more than ten minutes late, don't bother showing up because I will send you home. Personally I don't care if you show up or not, I only help those who want to help themselves. However, if you miss more than three sessions, you will fail and have to repeat the class. For those of you who have court orders to be here, failing means you will become a resident at our local juvenile detention center until this class is available again, in the middle of March." _So my options are six months here with these low life's, or six months in a tiny ass cell with other low life's. That's an easy decision. _

"Rule number two, you come here sober. I don't care what you do in your spare time, but you leave all that shit at the door when you get here." My eyes cut to Chuey. _His ass is going to be gone fast._

The gothic dude just laughs. "Hope you not going to send us away on the first day. I would not be able to pass that drug test." Leon rolls his eyes, ignoring him.

"Everyone is required to be respectful. No putdowns and no judgment. You all may come from different backgrounds, but you all landed your asses here so you must have something in common."

"Umm yeah, our women are bitches and just want us to suffer." Richie Rich comments. There are murmurs of agreement.

"Even if they screwed you over, you have to work out whatever supposed problems you may have." Leon says casually. "You just have to be respectful to each other when it comes to talking about it. Which brings me to my next rule, participation is mandatory gentlemen. You hear someone's story, you better be ready to share yours, or at least comment on it."

I cross my arms and lean back in my chair. _I am nothing like these psychos. I didn't do anything wrong. _

"Lastly, I expect all of you to be honest. Be honest with me, with each other, and with yourselves. If you aren't going to be real about the situation that got you in this class, then you aren't going to pass. I mean sure I can pass you for coming to class and playing the part, but if you don't take responsibility for your actions, you're either going to be coming back here or in jail. You get what you give out of this class gentleman." Leon meets all of our eyes. When he gets to me I can only stand his stare for a brief moment. "Any questions gentlemen?"

The shaggy hair boy raises his hand. "Yeah, what if it really isn't our fault?"

Leon cocks an eyebrow. "Not your fault huh? You just lost control? Whatever _you _did to your girlfriend was an accident?"

"Boyfriend and no that's not what I'm saying." _Damn we got a fucking homo in this group? _"Ellie just knows how to provoke me, what am I supposed to do?"

"Hold up now maricon, you just said you was gay, who's this Ellie chick?" Chuey gives him a skeptical look.

"My name isn't _maricon,_ its Damien and I would appreciate it if you only referred to me as such." Damien glares at all of us. "My boyfriend's name is Elliot, Ellie is a nickname. Are we going to have any problems?"

Silence.

"Well, gentlemen?" Leon asks. A round of no's come from the group. "Go on Damien; tell us how Elliot provokes you."

Damien clenches his fist. "He just…ugh…he is always starting the fights and beating on me, what am I supposed to do? I tell him all the time to stop putting his hands on me. I knocked some sense into his smart ass to show him I mean business. If you ask me they got the wrong guy in here, it was just self-defense." Damien begins to bounce his foot. "So is it my fault or not?"

"Well you tell me, why not just leave? Why put up with his crap?" Leon probes.

"Because I love his stupid ass, I'm just sick of his fucking mind games. What's wrong with demanding a little respect?"

"So now correct me if I'm wrong, the only way to get respect, is to demand it?" Leon asks.

"Yeah man," Chuey interjects. "You got to prove you not a punk. If you put up with all the shit, people walk all over you. Especially putas, you need to put them in their place."

Leon nods his head. "And what happens if people think you are a punk?"

"Fuck this shit dude." The Goth kid says. "Why you trying to get inside our heads? All you dumbasses are falling for his tricks but not me."

"I'm not trying to get inside your heads…" Leon pauses.

"Noah and yes you are. I'm not going to play your little mind games teach. We get it, we all got anger problems, and we all snapped once, what's the big fucking deal?"

"Hey don't lump us all together, just because you may have _snapped_ and hit your girl, doesn't mean the rest of us did. I never laid a finger on my woman." Richie Rich glares at Noah.

"No you just never got caught fresa. We all know that you gringos get away with everything." Chuey glares at him.

"Vete al carajo, carbon. Callate la boca antes de llamar I-N-S!" We all understand that last part.

Chuey stands quickly, knocking his chair over. "You want to take this outside fresa? I ain't scared to hit a perra,"

Richie Rich stands too, puffing his chest out ready to punch Chuey.

"Both of you sit down right now! I will not have violence in this classroom!" Leon looks ready to knock some sense into the both of them. "One of my rules is respect; if you two can't deal with each other, get out now. I know one of you will be going to jail if you fail this class, want everyone to know which one of you it is?"

_My money is still on Chuey. He's got a point…white boys get away with everything._

They both hold each other's glares for a second more before going back to their seats, muttering half-assed apologies. Leon glances down at his roster. "Nick is it?" Richie Rich nods his head. "What were you saying, before you and Mr. Ramirez's disagreement?"

"I never touched my woman. I love the hell out of her; her parents are the problem, not me."

Leon leans back in his chair. "Care to elaborate?"

"They got some lies going around saying I raped her and she didn't deny it! I mean what kind of shit is that? We have been together for two years, and I accidently knock her up and her parents say I raped her. I mean this woman is carrying my child, and I can't even see her. And her parents are trying to force her to have an abortion even though she wants it." Nick shakes his head, his pale face turning red. "I mean that's fucked up right? Don't worry I'm going to get the charges dropped soon though, then I won't have to come to this stupid class." He folds his arms across his chest.

"Well you're stuck with us for the time being, maybe you will learn something." Leon says.

"I highly doubt it." Nick turns his attention to the window.

Leon's eyes land on me. _Oh shit. _"What about you son?" _Son, son, son, son, son, son, son, son. _

"Don't call me son, my name is Gerald, and I have to agree with Damien."

"What you a homo too?" Noah laughs.

"This is your last warning." Leon says sternly.

"Fine, damn, take a joke." Noah put his hands up defensively.

I roll my eyes. "I just lost it, once. Everyone says I hit her, but that's a lie. I love Phoebe, would never put my hands on her. She just…she just pushed my buttons one too many times and…I just slapped her once." My heart begins racing. "It was an accident. She just got in my way…I didn't hurt her." _Phoebe is my everything. I would never hurt her, I love her. _

"Who are you trying to convince Gerald?" Leon asks.

"Huh?" I look up at him. "No one, everyone, I don't know. All I know is I didn't hurt her. This is just a little fight that got blown way out of proportion."

"Then why are you here?" _Why is he asking me some many damn questions?_

"Because that bitch is crazy! She thinks I'm going to hurt her when I want to love her. I mean I've known her forever! We are meant to be together. I just got to make her understand that."

Leon smirks. "So that bitch you love is crazy?"

I glare at him. "Don't call her a bitch,"

"But you just did," I want to punch him so badly. _Noah's right, he is playing mind games with us._

"Fuck you man, I don't have to put up with this. I know the status of my relationship," I scowl.

I tune out the rest of the group conversation. My heart is still pounding, but I can feel it beginning to slow back to a normal pace. Dad would not be proud of the way I handled the situation. I can hear his voice, 'Damn it Gerald. Will you ever learn to shut up? No wonder you can't do anything right! You never listen! Why are you such a failure?' I swallow hard and look around the room. No one else can hear him. _He's yelling at me, why can't anyone else hear him? Someone please make him stop! Please make him shut up!_ I glance at the clock above the doorway. Noon. _Has it been two hours already?_

"Alright, class is over, if you want to speak with me in private you are more than welcome to do so. The rest of you please try to hold off any deviant acts for another week. You're dismissed."

I bolt out of the classroom.

**Later That Day**

I find no solace in my punching bag. No matter how many times I hit it, I can't get the sound of my Dad's voice out of my head. I give it one last futile punch before collapsing on my bed. _Why isn't this working? This always works. _I feel a lump under my back. I shift slightly and pull out my journal.

"You think you can calm me down?" I glare at it, but reluctantly pick up a pen.

* * *

I didn't see Phoebe again until eight period. We shared no classes together, so it surprised me to see her giving the teacher a blue transfer paper. The teacher handed her the Anatomy and Physiology textbook and she took an empty seat two rows to the right of my desk. I could have sworn I saw her wink at me, as she passed by. I could smell her sweet flowery perfume.

I felt Arnold nudge me before sliding his notebook towards me.

_What did I tell you about the drooling?_ He had written on a blank sheet of paper.

I rolled my eyes and wrote back, _Suck my dick!_

_I don't care how you choose to live your life, but I don't swing that way. You can't stare at her the whole time. She will think you are a weirdo. _

_Will you just leave me alone? I will talk to her after class._

_You're not going to learn a damn thing in this class are you?_

_Go to hell!_

Arnold was right. I honestly can't remember anything in that class that didn't involve Phoebe. After what seemed like an eternity, the bell finally rang, and the students rushed out of the classroom. I lost Phoebe in the crowd, but I knew she would be by her locker. I joined Arnold as we navigated through the crowded hallway.

"Pataki is like a fucking parasite I swear."

"Tell me again why you are always using my locker?" Arnold asked as I took out the textbooks I would need for homework that evening.

My locker wasn't far; it was close to the cafeteria, which was a pretty good spot since all the popular students had lockers over there. "What can I say, I like the view," I shrugged. Arnold and I watched as Helga talked animatedly about something or other, and Phoebe nodding in agreement.

"How about I help your wimpy ass?" I raised an eyebrow as Arnold walked over to the two girls. I sighed, but followed him closely in fear that he would out my crush on Phoebe in front of Helga. "Hey Helga, Phoebe," Arnold smiled. For a moment Helga's eyes lit up before a familiar scowl appeared on her face.

"What do you want Football Head? Can't you see that Phoebe and I are busy?"

"I know and I do hate to interrupt, but I was wondering if you could show me where Mrs. Harris's classroom is? I was thinking of transferring into her AP English Language class,"

Helga rolled her eyes. "Yeah like I would help you get into the same English class as me,"

"Oh please Helga, it would mean so much to me?" Arnold took hold of her hand. "Come on before she leaves,"

"Hey keep your hands off me bucko!" Helga yelled, but allowed Arnold to pull her along. "Phoebe, wait right there, I'll be right back!"

"Waiting," Phoebe chirped. I cleared my throat and she looked up at me. "Oh Gerald, what are you still doing here? Don't you have boxing practice?" It was common knowledge that I boxed after school, but the fact that she brought it up made my heart skip a beat. I loved how she knew so much about me.

"Not until five, besides I have to give Arnold a ride home first." I leaned against her locker and smirked. "Did I tell you that you look really pretty today?"

Phoebe blushed. It was a good look on her. "Yes you did, this morning."

"Well it's true," I moved closer to her. She stepped back and bumped into her locker. By now the halls were mostly empty so I didn't feel as nervous. I took hold of her hands. They felt so soft, almost like velvet. I was thankful that mine weren't sweating. "Do you have plans this weekend? I was wondering if you would like to go to Rhonda's back to school party with me on Saturday." My voice had begun to sound huskier. Being alone with her had me turning on the charm.

"Gerald are you asking me on a date?" She asked coyly.

"Perhaps, it depends on if you say yes or not." I could feel my heart beginning to race. Boxing had trained me to keep cool under pressure, but I had no idea what I would do if she rejected me. Probably actually get involved in a tournament just so my opponent could kill me.

Phoebe blushed even harder, her face turning a deeper shade of red. "Oh I don't know…" She looked down at the floor.

I lifted her chin gently so that our eyes would meet. "Please, I know you will get into studying really hard soon, I want you to have some fun before you get too busy."

"Okay, I'll go…with you," She smiled.

I grinned. "Great! I'll pick you up around eight okay?"

She nodded her head in agreement, and then I did something bold.

I gave her a peck on the cheek. "Cool, see you then." I practically floated to my car. I didn't even notice when Arnold showed up, ready to go home. I was on cloud nine.


	4. Chapter 4

**September 1st **

The sound of my alarm clock jolts me out of my sleep. I can hear my heart beating in my ears and I am covered in a thin layer of sweat. My sheets are bunched in a small pile on the floor. I had the dream again; no, not a dream, more of a nightmare really. It always starts off the same; I'm walking down this long hallway in a house I can't remember ever being in. I'm nine again and I can hear my Dad's voice. It's soft and nasally, like he needs to use his inhaler.

"Come on son, come on!" I can see him at the end of the long hallway, a bright light surrounding him. I start to run, but no matter how fast I am, he never seems to get any closer. "Come on son, you're almost there! Come on son!" I don't know why he is urging me, but his voice makes it seem important. I try to quicken my pace, but the floor beneath me becomes covered in broken glass and my shoes have now vanished. I can feel each shard of glass slice my feet open. "Hurry up son! What's taking you so long?" Dad is getting closer now, but my feet are now a bloodied mess. "Lazy worthless son of a bitch!" At this point I stop running, because Dad is now only a few feet away from me. He takes off his belt and cracks it like a whip. "Why can't you be a good, responsible son?" The belt strikes my cheek. I wince at the sting but stand strong, taking the punishment. "Why are you throwing your life away son?" His voice is oddly calm, almost loving. "Why can't you be perfect son? Why do you always cause so much trouble son?" The belt licks my skin again. Again, and again, and again. I face him like the man he wants me to be, but my resolve is fading. "Son, I love you, but you are just so damn useless. Give me one reason why you deserve my sympathies?" I open my mouth to speak but no words come out. My Dad has a fatherly smile on his face. "Oh son, that's not the answer I was looking for. You are not worthy of my sympathy, barley my love." He drops the belt and pulls me into a hug. "Maybe this will remind you of your place in this family." Dad gives me one last loving smile before his eyes turn a bloodshot red and he grips my arms so tight I fear they will break. They do. As I scream out in agony he throws me to the ground with all his might. The glass shards rake across my back as the floor swallows me up. "Good bye son," Is all I hear. All I see are his malevolent red eyes.

I run my fingers over a long scar in the middle of my left bicep. I got it three years ago when I had to have five screws put in place. I don't have this dream too often but when I do I know I my day will not be pleasant. Today is no different. As I shut off my alarm clock I realize I am running ten minutes behind schedule. I gulp and quickly make my bed before hopping in the shower to wash the sweat off my body.

"Hey Dad," I ask, hoping my nervousness isn't evident.

"Yes Gerald?" He is reading the paper, a good sign.

"Can you give me ride to my anger management class? I'm…I'm running late." I desperately want to look away, but I know if I don't meet his eyes he won't drive me. Dad folds his paper at a painfully slow pace until it looks like it was just delivered by the paperboy.

"Why do you need me to drive you to your class Gerald?" He sits up straight.

"Because I overslept…my alarm went off late."

"No, I mean, why do _you_ need _me_ to drive _you_ to _your_ anger management class?"

"Because my license was revoked," I say quietly.

"And why was your license revoked Gerald?" Dad stands now, and walks towards me. I feel like I'm about to pee my pants.

"Because I was drinking," I look right into his cold unforgiving eyes.

"Exactly, you were drinking. And now you expect me to reward your illegal behavior by giving you a ride to class? No I don't think so Gerald." I move back involuntarily as he crosses his arms. "Go get your bus card because until your license is back in your possession, you will be using public transportation to get where ever you need to go. Do we have an understanding?"

"Yes sir," We hold each other's stare for a second longer before he nods his head and walks back to the sofa. Once I get to my room I release the breath I didn't even realize I was holding. My heart feels like it's about to burst out of my chest. It takes me five minutes to find the bus card I haven't used in over a year. I just pray it still has money on it.

As I walk through the garage I feel a pull at my heart strings. Two days after I was arrested Dad told me he had sold it, to teach me about responsibility or something. The money he had made off of it had gone into my college fund and when I turned eighteen I could have it back. I didn't believe him and had run straight to the garage. I had fallen to my knees as tears threatened to escape from my eyes. My car was no longer there. When I was fourteen, Dad told me that he would be not buy me a car for my sixteenth birthday and that if I wanted one bad enough I should start saving up my money for it. For the next two years I worked my ass off at the gym, putting almost eighty percent of my paycheck towards my savings. I had to make a lot of hard decisions which mostly meant not hanging out with my friends whenever I wanted, or not purchasing some new videogame or gadget. But after two long years I had saved up a little over five thousand dollars. Dad was proud of me. He was so proud. A week after I got my license we got a car from a used dealership and I paid him the entire amount upfront. It had been a long time since I had seen my Dad give such a genuine smile. He couldn't stop telling people how all my hard worked had paid off. And I was proud of myself too. I was now the golden child and things were good. Everyone was happy. Two months later Dad got a string of difficult clients at work and started drinking again. Nothing changed. Everyone went back to walking around on egg shells when he was in the room. My car wasn't much, but it was my last shred of hope that my family could be normal again. That whenever my Dad saw it he would be proud of me, proud of his family; there would be no more yelling, no more broken plates or bones, no more pain. Now every day when I leave the house, I am greeted by the empty spot where my car used to be.

"Stupid piece of junk," I mutter.

At the bus stop I see Chuey. We give each other a nod but do not engage in any conversation. Several dope fiends come up to him but he waves them off. _Probably thinks I'm a narc or something._ I glance at my watch as some more people join us at the bus stop. It's 9:30. I can see the monstrosity approaching, only about a minute away. At this rate I won't get to class until ten am exactly. I will be on time. I will be late.

**After Class**

I shift my feet uncomfortably as I stand outside the gym. It is rather hot for the end of August. The heat had everyone in class on edge. Or maybe it's because Leon wouldn't let us leave until we admitted that we had a problem. We didn't have to say what our problem was; just acknowledge that we had one. It had been two months since I had stepped foot in the gym. My funds were beginning to dwindle. Coach knew that something was wrong with me. Even back in March when the mess with Phoebe first started he could tell I was off my game. Now, after I had gotten arrested, I couldn't bring myself to face him. Everything had just gotten out of control so fast. I didn't want to admit that I was a failure to him. I take a deep breath however, ready to face the music. The cool air hits my face as I watched some gym rats walking around. Coach is in the back next to some new guy, making him go through the rounds. I clear my throat as I approach him. He looks surprised to see me but gives me a warm smile.

"Take five Jimmy, I need to have a word with one of my employees." I follow Coach to his office where he closes the door and indicates for me to have a seat. "Where have you been? I was getting worried about you."

I try to look him in the eye, but it's so hard. With Dad I can do it out of fear, with Coach…I respect him far too much. "I fucked up. I fucked up bad."

He sits down on his desk and folds his arms. "What did you do?"

I release a humorless chuckle. "You're going to kill me when I tell you, so promise to make my death quick and painless."

"I will do my best,"

I get up and start pacing the room before I finally lean up against the wall. "I got arrested back in July." I swallow hard and Coach remains quiet, letting me tell him at my own pace. "Phoebe and I broke up…she says I was beating on her, and when I tried to make things right she had me arrested."

Coach stares at me. I stare at the floor. Why won't my heart stop beating so loudly? "Did you hit her Gerald?"

"No! I would never hurt Phoebe, I love her and she loves me! I don't know why people keep saying I beat her. That's not true."

"So you never put your hands on her? Not even one time?"

"Well…once, back in March, but it was an accident though I swear! I would never put my hands on a female you know that! She just…she just pushed my buttons really bad one day. I didn't even leave a mark on her! Right after, she says she's leaving me! I mean how fucked up is that! I tried to apologize I really did. I spent months trying to get her to take me back. Then she had me arrested! Now I've got to go to this stupid anger management class every Saturday for the next six months. And…and…I'm sorry."

Coach palms the back of his head. "Gerald…I know you love her, she came here often enough for me to see that, but…if you did hit her, even just once it's inexcusable."

"Like I said if you are going to kill me make it fast."

"I'm not going to kill you. You're only seventeen, still learning about everything and you don't need me to ride your ass about it."

"So you're not mad at me?"

"No, just disappointed, I thought you knew better than that."

I sigh hard knowing I can't redeem myself in his eyes. "I can understand if you want me to stop training with you, or if you want to fire me." I turn towards the door.

I feel his hand clamp down on my shoulder and I pull away fast. He seems caught off guard by my actions but smiles. "I'm not going to fire you and I don't want you to leave this gym. You can't change the past. Losing your girl and going to that class sounds like punishment enough."

"There has to be something I can do, I know I've let you down. How can I make this up to you?"

Coach looks thoughtful for a moment, before he smirks. "You've missed a good month of training. How about I run you ragged so you know not to miss any more of our sessions together?"

I feel a small smile creep on my face. "Sounds fair," I follow him out of his office. _Why can't Phoebe forgive me as easily? Even Coach sees this as a big misunderstanding that got blown way out of proportion. _

**Later That Day**

It takes what little energy I have to haul myself into my room. Coach wasn't joking when he said he would run me ragged. I had never done so much strength training in my life. Who knew being MIA for a month would put my body out of commission? I take a long shower, knowing Dad will throw a fit about the water bill being so high, but I don't give a damn. The ice cold water feels good as it massages my aching muscles. After I towel off I throw on a pair of gym shorts and collapse on my bed. Usually after practice I would have Phoebe come over and she would massage my pain away. Or maybe I would call Arnold and ask if I could come over for dinner. I reach for my cellphone and start to dial his number before it hits me. Arnold and I are no more. He made it very clear that he never wants to speak to me again. Losing him was almost as hard as losing Phoebe. Almost.

I see my journal sitting on my nightstand. Why can't things be like before? Before I ever decided that dating Phoebe would be a good idea.

* * *

Dad was ranting again. Ranting and raving. That's all he ever seemed to do lately. Mom was his target as per usual. She was a grown ass woman and if she was stupid enough to stick with an asshole then who was I to interfere. Timberly was at a Campfire Lass meeting, and would not need my protecting. Besides I was in no mood to deal with his bullshit. I grabbed my car keys and quickly ran to my car. I always sped when I was upset, and I always sped straight to Arnold's. The only one I could remotely depend on in this life. I parked next to his grandfather's Packard and let myself in. Arnold had given me a house key many years ago as I had become an all but permanent fixture in his home. I stepped aside to let the pets run out before heading into the kitchen. Arnold's grandmother was busy karate chopping watermelon to notice my presence.

"Hello Gertie, how are you doing today?" I ducked as some of the watermelon flew my way.

"Good afternoon grasshopper, have you come for lunch?" She gave me a wicked grin.

"No, I came to see Arnold. We are getting ready for a party tonight. Is he home?"

"Kimba? Yes he is in his room." She karate chopped the food again before placing all the pieces on a plate. "Could you please give this to him? He needs proper nourishment if he has any plans on wooing that she-devil." I nod my head not really understanding what she meant. I took the plate and headed up to Arnold's room.

"Oh Pookie, not watermelon again! That's the fifth time this week!" I chuckled before I walked into Arnold's room. He was lying on his bed reading some book about ancient civilizations. He looked up at me before placing a bookmark on his page.

"You're early; the party doesn't start until eight." I placed the plate of food on his desk and headed straight to his closet.

"I know but I need something to wear, and I left all my date clothes over here." I started pulling clothes off hangers and trying them on.

"Tell me again why I have allowed you to invade every aspect of my life?" He said after biting into a watermelon slice.

"Because you are my best friend and you will do anything in the world to help me impress Phoebe." I looked in his mirror and frowned at the Ed Hardy shirt I had put on. "What do you think?"

"You look like a douche bag," He said casually.

"That's what I thought," I said as I peeled off the shirt. "Why aren't you freaking out?"

"Because I'm not going on a date with a girl I've been crushing on since preschool,"

I glared at him. "Well you are going with Lila, aren't you nervous?"

"Not really. Lila is nice and she asked me if I wanted to go with her, not the other way around." He shrugged. I hated how he could be so damn calm sometimes. "This is one of Rhonda's parties, a pool party at that. Just be casual."

"Ugh you're right! What was I thinking?" I went into his closet and came out a minute later in a pair of swim trunks.

Arnold frowned. "Those are yours right?"

"If they weren't they are now," I shrug.

"Ooh Gerald, that looks pretty nasty,"

"What?" I go to his mirror again, looking for my flaws.

"That bruise on your lower back. I thought you just did regular boxing not kickboxing,"

I turned my body so I could see the bruise in question. It was old, I got it a couple of weeks ago when I missed curfew after spending all night at an end of summer party.

"What can I say? The person I was sparring with liked to take some cheap shots." I pulled a plain black shirt on hoping he would drop it. I never told Arnold that life at home could get…rough. It just didn't seem fair to let him in on my family problems, when he didn't have a family of his own. Arnold's parents had left shortly after he was born to go to a country called San Lorenzo in an effort to save a lost civilization. They never came back. When we were thirteen, after many long years of searching, he finally got the call that their remains had been found. Arnold had taken the news pretty hard, but knew that they had died helping those in need. It would never be my place to burden him with the knowledge that my family was in shambles. Knowing that Arnold would have given anything in the world to have his parents come home made me feel tremendously guilty. I should have just been appreciative of the fact that my parents were both still alive and not complain about my occasional mistreatment.

"Well, be more careful man; don't want you getting too hurt."

I just grinned and flexed my muscles. "Please, I'm a fucking ox, no one can hurt me. All the girls will be trying to get into my pants tonight!"

"I thought you only had eyes for Phoebe?" Arnold smirked.

"Oh I do, but I can't help it if I look like a sex god." Arnold chucked a pillow at me. "Hey I know you are jealous because I got it like that, no reason to throw things." I said cockily. Arnold just rolled his eyes and picked up another watermelon slice.

We chilled out in his room for a couple more hours just shooting the breeze before hopping into my car to pick up our dates. Even though I talked a big game, and appeared to be the epitome of cool, on the inside I was a nervous wreck. This was my first date with Phoebe, and if I wanted to make her mine, I had to do everything I could to impress her.

"Hold up man, before we go pick up the girls we have to make a quick pit stop." Arnold gave me a confused look as I made a sharp U-turn back to my neighborhood.


	5. Chapter 5

**September 7th **

I frown at the increase in the student body. Bright eyed freshmen flood the halls, and it is in short, annoying. I am usually not so cynical, but after being harassed by a homeless man on the city bus for five miles straight, I am in no mood for the cheerful new students. It is the first day of my last year of school. Why can't I be happy about that? I stop for a brief moment at the entrance to the senior's hallway, the most coveted hallway in our school. No students other than seniors have lockers there and it lets out to the quad. Every senior dreams of the day they are assigned their lockers in this hallway. All my former friends are there, laughing and hugging each other, I can see the excitement in their eyes. I move to join them but stop when I see Phoebe. Most of the girls are complimenting her on her new haircut. I'm more in awe of her sun kissed tan. She looks so delectable; I just want to lick every inch of her skin. I can hear her giggle at something funny Gloria has said. It's so sweet, so innocent. _Would she still laugh like that if I told her a joke?_

Phoebe looks over towards me and our eyes meet. I can see her physically stiffen. Soon everyone else's conversations stop and I see Arnold go over and turn her away from me.

"Don't worry, no one is going to let him get anywhere near you," He tosses a glare over his shoulder.

I stare for a moment longer before I continue on towards the third floor, where I have been assigned a freshman locker. As I leave I can hear the whispers. I have never been one for gossip, that was something I left to people like Rhonda, but it's different now that I'm the most despised person on the face of the earth. Well, in high school anyway. This was fine by me. I would be lying if I said I didn't miss my old life, but I am comfortable being the senior class's pariah too. The only person whose opinion mattered to me is Phoebe's and I am forbidden to go anywhere near her.

I glance down at my schedule; all my classes are on the second floor, away from most of the other seniors. I know Phoebe probably has tons of advanced classes, so even if we were still dating I wouldn't have seen much of her. I am nowhere near as smart as her and would be lucky to pass my classes with the expected B average. I push some newbies out of the way who look up at me in fear. Am I really that much of a monster that a fourteen year old punk can see it? I sigh heavily and punch my locker. I don't even need anything from my locker; I am being a jerk for no reason.

I have sixth period lunch. Everyone knows that this is the worst time to have lunch. All the good food is gone, and the football team has the last lunch and will usually eat whatever is left if you don't get there before them. I hate how they all eat together. I am definitely going to have to start brown bagging it to school. Pizza is always served on the first day and I manage to grab the last two slices of a supreme before navigating uncharted waters. For the first time in my life I have no one to sit with. I feel like a transfer student. I walk nervously around the perimeter until I see Arnold sitting by himself near a big window towards the back. Arnold had to have forgiven me by now right? I am going to counseling; if I could just tell him that, he would know what I did was just a one-time deal.

"Anyone sitting here?"

Arnold looks up and gives me a cold stare. "Go away," he says through gritted teeth.

"Why can't I sit here with you?"

"You know why," His eyes dart towards the adjacent tables.

"But I'm going to counseling now; I told you it was just an accident."

"I don't care Gerald. What you did to Phoebe was unforgivable,"

"I'm sorry man-"

"Don't tell me sorry!" He cuts me off. "Don't you dare think an apology will fix everything!" I take a tentative step back. I had seen him pissed off before and it was never pretty. "Look I don't want to be seen with you. You are just…" I feel my heart beating faster as he looks at me with pure disgust.

"But we are best friends. Are you willing to throw all this away over some chick?"

Arnold shook his head and got up from the table. "See it's shit like that Gerald! That's exactly why we aren't friends anymore."

"Arnold please, if you would just listen to me-"

"Save it! Just leave me the hell alone!"

I watch Arnold walk to another table on the opposite side of the room that is occupied by Helga and Curly. Helga gave him a curious look before seeing me standing in the spot where Arnold left me. I turn my back and walk out the cafeteria before she can start anything with me.

I throw my pizza in trash as I head towards the quad. Food was now the last thing on my mind. I have a free period after lunch and I knew I would eventually end up in the weight room or in the library to study. It's not like I have people to spend my free time with anymore. All I have now is a fucking journal.

* * *

"Wow, I had forgotten how big Rhonda's house was," Phoebe whispered.

I smiled and squeezed her hand. "Well she just had it remolded last year, and she's been finding any excuse to show it off."

"I think it's ever so lovely, don't you agree Arnold?"

"Yes Lila," Arnold said not taking his eyes off of Lila's buxom chest. Even though my man tried to be calm and level headed he had the same weakness we all did.

We were walking up the Lloyd's long winding driveway after having been forced to park down the street. Rhonda had forbidden anything cheaper than a Mercedes from gracing the front of her not so humble abode. We could easily feel the bass from the music as we approached. I was always surprised the neighbors never called and had her parties shut down. Arnold pushed the door open and we could see several people walking around, red cups in hand, having the time of their lives. After forcing our way through the crowd of gyrating teens we stood outside in Rhonda's recently renovated backyard. During our whole sophomore year she had her parents remodel it to an expensive grotto, perfect for having pool parties. Over the summer we all had spent a good chunk of time at her house.

"Hey you guys, I was wondering when you were going to show up," Rhonda approached us in a flattering red bikini. Her hair hung down past her shoulder and moved with her as she sashayed over to us. Nadine was right behind her, her blonde curls in a low ponytail. She looked pretty good in her swimsuit as well, but that was probably due to years of being on the school's swim team. "It's nice knowing only respectable individuals were able to attend my back to school celebration." She said a smug smile on her face.

"What's in your backpack Gerald? I hope you're not planning on recording anything that goes on tonight." Nadine quipped.

Rhonda crossed her arms and glared at me. "Nadine makes a good point. I can't afford to have this end up on the internet like my Christmas party."

"No sweetie," I reached into my backpack and pulled out a couple of bottles of premium vodka. Rhonda squealed in delight. "Just something as I sign of goodwill, you know that."

"Thank you, that's one less thing I have to worry about. The punch bowl is already spiked, so pace yourself on it." We could hear some screams coming from the house and Rhonda rolled her eyes. "What the hell is wrong with these losers today? Nadine I need assistance!" Rhonda stormed off to the source of the commotion with Nadine in tow.

"Gerald how did you manage to get alcohol?" Phoebe asked.

"Fake ID," Arnold said casually as he took a bottle from my hands and led Lila over to the swim up pool bar.

"You have a fake ID?" Phoebe questioned. I had hoped that buying it before I picked her up would impress her, but I couldn't tell if she was happy about it. I had to play it cool so I wouldn't offend her.

"Well I swiped Jamie-O's driver's license the last time he came to visit. We are starting to look a lot alike and the place I buy alcohol from doesn't really care about my age." I shrug and open up the bottle and take a quick swig. "Do you want some?" I offered.

"I don't know," She hesitantly took the bottle from me. "Helga doesn't really approve of the consumption of alcohol and I know it would really upset her if she found out I was drinking at this party."

I frowned. Why did Helga have so much influence over her? "Well Helga isn't here now is she? Come on, she won't find out,"

"Well…I suppose one drink can't hurt," She put the bottle to her lips and took a small sip before wincing. "Oh that burns an awful lot, how can people drink this stuff?"

"Don't worry you get used to it, besides that's cranberry flavored so it tastes better than the straight stuff." I took the bottle back from her and took a generous gulp. "Come on let's go sit down," I led her over to a couple of lounge chairs off to the side of the pool. A lot of my friends were here, but I could tell Phoebe was slightly uncomfortable as this was not her usual crowd. Gloria saw me and gave me a little wave as she passed by us, with Stinky following behind her his tongue dragging along the ground. She had on a skimpy white string bikini that barely covered her naughty bits. I glanced down to compare her swimsuit to Phoebe's but she still had hers covered up by a tank top and some shorts. I hated how girls like Gloria just flaunted themselves for the world to see, and was thankful that Phoebe still believed in modesty. Although, I wouldn't have minded seeing Phoebe wearing something like that, but just in private, for my eyes only.

I offered her the bottle again as I was starting to get a slight buzz. "So how you liking junior year so far?"

She took small sips. "It's okay, I'm really starting to like our anatomy and physiology class, and I absolutely love my AP classes."

Oh my little nerd. "I don't think I could ever do an AP class, all that extra work? It's not for me,"

I shook my head as I watched her continue to put the bottle to her lips.

"It's not that bad really," She wiped her mouth and gave the bottle back to me. "I have AP English with Helga and she makes the literature truly enjoyable. If it wasn't for her I don't think I could ever appreciate Chaucer."

I had read somewhere once that a man should remain silent and be thought a fool than open his mouth and remove all doubt. Intellectually speaking, Phoebe was out of my league, and if I wanted to keep her interested in me, I would have to make sure we were both on the same level.

"Where is Pataki anyway, I thought you two did everything together?" I said changing the subject.

Phoebe sighed. "I know, under normal circumstances I would have never come to such a party, but lately she has been pushing me to have a life outside of her. I think she just wants to spend some time with her mom since she just got out of rehab,"

I almost spit my drink out all over Phoebe. "Wait, Pataki's mom was in rehab?" Oh this was just too good. I finally had some dirt on that bitch.

Phoebe covered her mouth and blushed furiously. "Oh dear I've said too much. I think that's enough alcohol for me, it has me spilling secrets. You have to promise not to tell anyone Gerald. Helga would never be able to forgive me for telling her secret."

"Don't worry Phoebe, I won't tell a soul. Just because me and Helga don't get along doesn't mean I have to go around telling everyone her business."

Phoebe smiled and held my hand. "Thanks Gerald, you're a true friend." Friend. The word stung my ears. Is that all I was to her? Could I ever be more than just her friend?

"Phoebe Heyerdahl? Is that you?" We both turned our heads to see Lorenzo walking towards us. He was dripping wet as he had just gotten out of the pool and the water was glistening off his caramel colored body.

"Hispanic bastard," I muttered under my breath. I didn't really care for Lorenzo. He had Arnold's kindness and Rhonda's money. Everything about him just screamed fake to me. And now he wanted to talk to Phoebe? What the hell? Phoebe wasn't even in our circle of friends, why would she even show up on his radar?

"Oh hey Lorenzo, I was wondering when you were going to get back from vacation,"

"Got back in this morning sweetheart. Rhonda called me as soon as she heard I landed and demanded I make an appearance at her…soiree. I'm surprised to see you here; I know these types of parties aren't your usual cup of tea."

"Oh I know, but Gerald invited me," Phoebe gestured towards me. I downed some more vodka before plastering on the fakest grin I could muster.

"Why hello Gerald, how have you been my friend?"

"Just fine my man. I was scared you finally transferred into one of those fancy private schools or something," I had actually hoped that is what happened to him.

Lorenzo chuckled at my joke. "My mother only wishes," He turned his attention back towards Phoebe. "Now don't you have too much fun here my little flower, I still have plans on seeing you Sunday, eleven o'clock sharp."

Phoebe giggled. "Oh I wouldn't miss it for the world Lorenzo. I have been practicing with our sensei for the past three months and I am certain I can wipe the floor with you."

Lorenzo let out a boisterous laugh and engulfed her in a hug. "Only in your dreams my dear," I continued to sip from the half empty vodka bottle. "Oh dear, I have gotten your shirt all wet, oh well I guess now you can finally take it off. I mean we are at a pool party, show off your fabulous swimsuit." He shrugged.

"Oh silly me, I forgot I was even wearing this thing." Phoebe stood and slowly removed her top revealing her slim pale frame. I felt myself begin to harden as she eased out of her shorts, and swallowed another mouthful of vodka. She was teasing me I just knew it; she wanted to show off her body in the most sensual way possible. It was just a shame I had to share this moment with Lorenzo.

"Gorgeous as always my dear," Lorenzo said as he took in her high-waisted denim fifties looking bikini. If I wasn't so worried about trying to impress Phoebe I would have decked him. Lorenzo took her hand and kissed it softly. "See you around,"

Phoebe waved her little fingers and sat down in her chair once again. "It was nice seeing Lorenzo, I have really missed him since he went to Italy for the summer."

I nod my head and set the bottle of vodka down. "So you and Lorenzo huh? How long was that going on?" I said bitterly. Vodka always made me more honest. Phoebe gave me a confused look before she began laughing. I glared at her. "What's so funny?"

"You thought Lorenzo and me…" She said between fits of laughter. "No Lorenzo and I are just friends. We fence together every Sunday which is what we were talking about. Lorenzo is truly a magnificent sparring partner but I have no interest him." I felt myself begin to relax but I was still mad as hell that Lorenzo was pushing up on her like that.

"Really no interest huh?"

She shook her head and smiled at me. "Not a bit, besides Gerald, I'm here with you aren't I?" Phoebe leaned closer to me.

I smiled and took hold of her hands. "I'm happy you decided to say yes, you don't know how long I've been waiting to ask you out."

"Why the wait if you don't mind me asking?"

I hesitated not expecting her to try and get inside my head so soon. "I can't explain it, just out of nowhere I found it so hard to talk to you. You're so smart and pretty; I always got nervous you would say no to me since we don't run in the same circles anymore."

"Nonsense Gerald, I don't care about the social hierarchy of high school. If you wanted to ask me out all you had to do was say so," She smiled sweetly. I felt like an idiot for thinking she would be shallow like all the other girls in our school.

"Well I'm sorry for not doing it sooner. I'm having a great time with you," I leaned in closer. Her lips looked so soft.

Out of nowhere we were both soaked from head to toe by a tidal wave of chlorinated water.

"Hey love birds, get your asses in the water we need some help!" I looked over to the pool to see Arnold motioning us to join him in Lila in a game of chicken against Stinky and Gloria. I was going to kick his ass for ruining my moment with Phoebe. Arnold only ever drank at parties and he was a bit of lightweight, which is why he was now convinced that a simple game of chicken needed my immediate attention. Phoebe just giggled and grabbed hold of my hand again.

"Come on it looks like fun." I took in her half naked body enjoying the view, hoping that one day soon I could see the skin that was being hidden by her bikini. I dove quickly into the pool, hoping that the cold water would reduce my sudden swelling.

We played in the pool for about an hour. Phoebe was terrible at chicken since she had to take her glasses off. I didn't care about winning though, I was just happy to have her thighs wrapped around my head. I wondered if we weren't in the pool would she ever let me get into that position again. After about an hour we dried off and I wrapped her in one of the towels that Rhonda had provided. We made our way inside where we commenced dancing. She was inept in that area as well, but she was having a good time and that's all I could ask for. The party winded down around midnight and I had Stinky help me carry Arnold to the car. He had passed out about thirty minutes earlier. The poor boy just couldn't handle his liquor. I would be sleeping over at his house anyway so I knew he would be safe. After dropping off Lila I headed towards Phoebe's house.

"Oh no Gerald, you don't have to take me home, I told my parent's I'm sleeping over at Helga's."

"Oh okay, that is actually on the way towards Arnold's house so it works out perfectly." I tried to sound happy about it, but I didn't like the idea of her spending so much time with that bitch.

"I had a great time tonight Gerald, we should do it again sometime," I looked down at her angelic face.

"Are you asking me out on a date Miss Heyerdahl?"

"Depends on if you say yes or no Mr. Johanssen,"

This girl was driving me crazy. Quick on her feet, excellent memory, a total flirt!

"How about I take you to the movies on Sunday?"

"Okay, as long as it is after my fencing class with Lorenzo. Any time after three will be perfect."

I nodded as I feared my mouth would betray me and reveal my hatred for the Hispanic douchebag.

"So you sleep over Helga's often?" I ask as I pull up at the Pataki residence.

"Not very, she is usually at my house, but she enjoys her personal space too much to make it a regular occurrence."

"Oh…well that's good. I'm sure even you can only tolerate so much of Pataki." I said as I walked her up to the front porch.

"She does have her moments when she can even aggravate me, but those are few and far between. Helga is a complicated individual and only allows a select few people into her private life. I am truly honored that she trusts me enough to be one of those people."

I shrug not really caring about how complicated the bully could be. "Whatever you say, I just hope she isn't too upset that you were hanging out with me tonight."

Phoebe just smiled. "I'm sure she won't mind in the least Gerald." I looked down at her in the soft glow of the front porch light; she looked more beautiful than I had ever seen. I leaned down and cupped the base of her head with my hand. Phoebe stood on the very tips of her toes and we both shared the kiss I had been dreaming of all night. I shit you not I heard fireworks going off in the background. Phoebe pulled away before things got too hot and steamy. "Well…now I'm sure Helga will certainly have some words for you if she ever finds out about this."

"If being the operative word right?"

"Good night Gerald, get home safely," She quietly opened the door with her key and slipped inside.

I lingered for a second longer before walking back to my car. Arnold had woken up and had managed to slide into the passenger seat.

"Aww how cute, your first kiss,"

"Fuck off, you drunk!" I wasn't going to let him ruin my moment. "You know damn well that wasn't my first kiss,"

"First kiss with Phoebe," He buckled his seatbelt as I pulled off towards his house.

"And I promise you it won't be the last." I said cockily. Phoebe was mine now and there was no way I was ever going to let her go.

* * *

I look down at the journal and reread everything I had written. Back then my love for Phoebe was so pure. Why couldn't she remember this stuff? Why was everyone so concerned with the bad? I loved Phoebe so much, I still do. I sigh heavily as I hear the bell ring. I look at my watch. Two thirty. I had written all through my free period and it was now time for my last class of the day. I didn't really care what or where it was. Part me even wanted to skip it all together seeing as it was the first day and all, but I wouldn't. Dad would find out and I knew there would be hell to pay once he did. I gather my things and look down at my schedule; creative writing.

"What the hell did I do to deserve this shit?" I growl to no one in particular. The class is by my locker which is my only saving grace. I walk inside and I am met face to face with the devil himself. Helga G. Pataki. We both glare at each other for a moment but I walk past her, staring straight ahead and take a seat in the back. If there was a God he must believe in punishing me for whatever misdeeds I have done in this life. A second later Arnold walks in and he sees me as well. I turn my attention to my notebook and start doodling. He sits next to Helga and I can see them briefly passing notes before the teacher comes in and commands the attention of the class. I tune her out, as I don't give a rat's ass about going over the syllabus. The class seems to go on forever before the bell finally rings. I get my stuff together and start to walk to the front when Helga blocks my path.

"Just so you know, if you talk to any of us, I will kill you."

I raise an eyebrow, finding her statement ironic as she was the one who came up to me. "Is that a threat Pataki?"

"It's a fucking promise," Her eyes held so much rage and hatred. Arnold put a gentle hand on her shoulder.

"Come on Helga, he's not worth it. Besides we have to go meet up with….Phoebe." He didn't want to say her name in front of me. Helga reluctantly nods her head and began to follow him.

"Hey, tell Phoebe I still love her. You'll see…we will be back together soon enough."

Helga whipped around and punched me in the nose.


	6. Chapter 6

**September 13th **

"Hello?"

_Hello my angel. It's so nice to hear your voice again._

"Hello?"

_You don't know how much I have missed you. How have you been?_

"Hello is anyone there?"

_I've been good, but let's cut to the chase. When are you going to put an end to this foolishness?_

I slam the phone down before popping the tab on another beer. I'm nowhere near as drunk as I want to be. The can is empty by the time I insert two more quarters into the payphone.

It rings three times.

"Hello?"

_I love you._

"Hello?"

_Please baby, just give me another chance. I promise I have changed._

I end the call again. Can't this girl see I'm suffering without her? I've been reduced to calling her on a dirty payphone outside a liquor store just so I can hear her voice. I down two more beers from the six pack. I'm starting to feel wobbly but I have one more left and I'm not going home before I finish it. I shakily dial her number.

It only rings twice.

"Hello?"

_I need you right now baby. Please, please just talk to me._

"Look whoever this is you need to stop calling my phone!"

_You're the only one who understands baby. Please just take me back. I need you so badly._

"Call this number again and I'm calling the cops!"

_Why won't you just love me?!_

The dial tone fills my ears.

I press my last cold beer to the left side of my head. I cringe slightly but I know it's for the best. I don't even remember what set him off this time. Doesn't matter though, I am his punching bag. Better me than Timberly. If Mom wanted to get knocked around that was her problem. Dumb bitch.

I finish half the beer before I dial her number again.

It goes straight to voicemail.

I suppose it's for the best.

Dad has probably gone to bed by now anyway. I slowly walk back home, sticking to the shadows so as not to draw attention to myself. I finish my beer and toss it in the gutter. I must look like a drunken mess. _But there's no one to care about me anymore so let's continue the downward spiral._ I reach for my wallet and frown as I realize I've already spent all my money. Good thing I get paid tomorrow.

I try not to make too much noise as I climb up the fire escape and into my room. Timberly is in my bed, cuddling up to my body pillow. I give her a quick once over and see no visible marks on her. The day Dad lays a finger on her is the day he dies. I shed my clothes so I'm just in my boxers and a wife beater and join her in bed. Even if I've lost everything else, I've still got Timberly.

"Where were you?" She whispers.

"Go to sleep,"

There's a long silence and for a moment I think she listened to me.

"You smell like Dad,"

"I know," I turn my back to her.

"Gerald…I don't like it…I don't like it when you do this. You're not supposed to be like him."

I sigh hard and turn over. Her big chocolate eyes look up at me with a mix of fear and disappointment. "I'm nothing like him Tim. Now get some sleep, you got school in the morning." I make sure the blanket is tucked tightly around her so she will feel safe and warm. After about fifteen minutes I can hear her light snoring. I lie there hoping sleep will take me as well, but it doesn't. I glance at my alarm clock; it's almost midnight. I quietly slip out of bed and go turn on my desk lamp.

* * *

The Monday after Rhonda's party I quickly learned that I was the talk of the junior class. I, Gerald Johanssen, had just made waves by becoming the boyfriend of the school's number one nerd. Not to say that anyone outwardly disliked Phoebe, it just shocked everyone that I had finally grown a pair and asked her out. Despite being popular, my friends accepted Phoebe with open arms. It was almost like we were in the fourth grade again. Our group wasn't that big just the guys: Arnold, Lorenzo, Iggy, Peapod Kid, and Park. And the girls: Rhonda, Nadine, Lila, and Gloria. Stinky hung out with us sometimes too, but only because he was dating Gloria. (I don't know why I'm telling you about them Judge Banks, it's not like you are even really reading this. But who knows maybe you have it in good with Rhonda or Lorenzo's parents and you forcing me to write about my friends is going to make me feel bad or something. Not like I care.)

"Well I think it's just lovely that you two have finally admitted your feelings for each other," Rhonda gave a knowing smile causing Phoebe to blush. Phoebe had reluctantly agreed to sit with me and my friends at lunch.

"Oh yes, I am ever so certain that you two make a cute couple," Lila smiled sweetly.

"Well I don't know about that. I think Peapod Kid and I are pretty cute together," Nadine said as she snuggled up to her now embarrassed boyfriend. I tuned out the rest of the conversation as it was now a debate over who was the cutest couple.

"Phoebe baby, you shouldn't have your head in a book all the time. Besides you're with me you can read later." I gently took the book out of her hands.

"Gerald, that's The Canterbury Tales! I need to read it for my AP English Language class." Phoebe looked shocked that I had just interrupted her reading.

"You worry too much baby. It's only the third week of school. You can't have that much to study already." I pull her close to me and kiss the side of her head.

Phoebe was about to protest when a lunch tray slammed down on the table next to her. "Hey Geraldo, the lady said she had to study. You got a problem with that?" Everyone turned their heads to see Helga glaring down at me.

"No, but I do got a problem with you, get lost Pataki." I tighten my grip around Phoebe's waist.

"It's a free country I can sit wherever the hell I want." She sat down next to Phoebe.

"Uh no Helga, we don't want you to sit with us. Go sit with your loser friends," Rhonda said waving her hand towards a table occupied by Brainy and Curly.

"What's the matter princess? Am I cramping your style?" Helga said through a mouthful of food.

Lila gave her a disgusted look. "Oh Helga, that's not very polite." Helga flipped her off.

"Come on you guys let's go eat out on the quad. There's obviously too much trash in here." Nadine scowled and got up from the table. As we got up from the table I looked down at Phoebe who was looking at her food.

"You coming Phoebe?" I held out my hand for her. She bit her lip hesitantly.

"Go on Phoebe, go be with your boyfriend, I understand." Helga said bitterly before getting up and taking her lunch over to her friends.

I pulled Phoebe up and kissed her gently on the lips, hoping that would help her relax.

"Hey are you okay?"

"Yeah, I just, well…when do you think you and Helga can work out your problems?"

I roll my eyes. "Pataki and I are made to hate each other baby. We will never get along."

"Well, do you think you can at least try? I don't want my boyfriend and my best friend hating each other." She said sadly.

I sighed hard but gave her a small smile. "Okay, just for you. I will try and be friendly with that she-beast." Phoebe punched me gently in the arm and I laughed. "Okay, okay. I will be nicer, I promise. Now let's go join the others before they think I've locked you in a broom closet or something." I held her backpack for her as we walked out to the quad.

I don't know what Phoebe had told Helga, but whatever it was she interpreted it to mean that she was allowed to hang out with me and my friends all the time. I know I had promised Phoebe I would be nice but Helga just knew how to push my buttons. She was rude, flamboyant, opinionated and just a downright bitch. It was embarrassing to even be seen with her.

"Listen up Gerald, I know Phoebe is your girlfriend and all, but Helga has to go." Rhonda said after cornering me and Arnold in the hall one day. We had been putting up with Helga's behavior for the past two weeks and it had finally taken its toll on the queen bee. "Now I like Phoebe, but if it means Helga will forever be tagging along, you're going to have to cut her loose."

Arnold sighed heavily. "I'm going to have to agree with Rhonda, Gerald. I've been quiet about the whole thing because Phoebe is pretty cool, but Helga is too rough around the edges. I can't even think straight when she's around."

I nodded my head. "Okay, I was only letting Helga stick around as a favor to Phoebe, but I will have a talk with her."

"Excellent." Rhonda smiled. "I expect her to be out of our hair by tomorrow." I nodded my head knowing full well the task would be easier said than done.

That afternoon I had Phoebe pressed up against the side of the passenger door in an attempt to see how fast we could fog up the windows. Something about seeing her in my car made me want to ravish her body. Maybe it was the way her tank top hugged her curves so nicely, or the fact that she had on these denim shorts that showed off her slender legs. I didn't really care, my girlfriend was hot and I wanted to touch every inch of her.

"Mmm, Gerald, can you slow down?" Phoebe whimpered. I ignored her and continued to inch my fingers up her flat tummy and towards her bra. "Gerald just wait a second," Her voice was getting breathy. My hand went to cup her breast. "Gerald!" She pushed me off of her.

"What?" I gasped.

"I think we should slow down a little," She readjusted her top.

"Why don't you find me attractive?" I put my hand on her thigh.

"I do, but we only just started dating, don't you think we're moving a little fast?"

I moved my hand away. "Other girls wouldn't think I was moving too fast," I mumbled.

"Excuse me?" She looked hurt. I didn't care.

"Nothing," I looked away from her.

"Do you want to date other girls?"

I told her maybe so. Ha, yeah right. "You know I don't." I cupped her face and kissed her forehead. "I just thought I was your boyfriend,"

Phoebe smiled and kissed me gently on the lips. "You are my boyfriend but I just don't want to ruin our relationship by getting physical too fast. Helga said she would kill me if she found out I gave it up so soon."

I pulled myself away from her. "You always listen to whatever Pataki says?"

"Gerald, please don't start this,"

"Start what? You just can't do anything without Helga giving you the okay,"

"It's not like that and you know it. She's been my best friend since like forever,"

"Yeah, and I'm your boyfriend now. But fuck whatever I want, as long as Helga is happy."

"Gerald…why can't you and Helga just get along?"

"I'm trying baby I really am, but it's never going to happen. Can't you see that Helga is just trying to break us up?"

Phoebe looked taken aback. "Helga wouldn't do that Gerald,"

"Yes she would! She hates me and hates the fact that I'm dating you. I don't know if I can take this anymore."

"What are you saying?" I heard her swallow.

"Either she stops hanging around all the time or I don't think we can make this work."

Tears began to rim her eyes. "You're breaking up with me?" I didn't want to. Honestly I didn't, but Helga was toxic for our relationship. She had to go.

"You want to know why Stinky and Gloria don't hang out at school? Because Stinky doesn't fit in with us. Yeah the man is alright, but he's just a country ass football player. He would just bring our groups credibility down. You fit in Phoebe, but Helga doesn't." I took hold of her hands. "You have to choose Phoebe, me or her?" She stayed silent. "You can be with me and my friends, having all the fun, get invited to all the parties that Helga will never be caught dead at, and have a normal high school life. Or you can go sit with her and those drama geeks at lunch, listen to her bitch and moan about how much better she thinks she is than everyone else, and lose me. It's your choice."

Phoebe stared at me for a long moment. Had I gone too far? No, I had the right to fight for my relationship.

"Helga's my best friend Gerald. I can't just abandon her." She sighed hard. "Can I still see her when you're not around? You know, like on the weekends and stuff?"

I smiled and wrapped my arm around her. "Of course baby, but just know I expect to be around a lot more. I can't even think straight when you're away from me."

Phoebe smiled back. "Really?" She leaned in closer to me, giving me those eyes that made my dick hard. Just not now. Phoebe began kissing up on my neck licking at my earlobe. No affect. I couldn't explain it, the girl I wanted to touch me like this not five minutes ago, I had no desire for. I took hold of her arms and kissed her deeply.

"You should go on inside. I'm sure you have a lot of studying to do and I have to get to boxing practice." I moved a loose strand of hair behind her ear.

She looked taken aback. "Oh, yeah, okay." She gave me a quick peck on the lips. "I'll see you in the morning." She said as she got out the car and ran up her porch steps.

The next day Phoebe opened her locker to find it filled to the brim with dozens of her favorite flower, yellow tulips. After that I saw a lot less of Helga. Sure Phoebe tried to spend time with her on the weekends, but I filled her afternoons with dates to the movies or to Slausen's. And it wasn't long before she began studying at the gym while I was at my boxing practice. Even if Phoebe did miss Helga, she fit in well with my friends and that's what mattered. I hoped that Phoebe would understand that ending her friendship with Helga was the right decision. What could I say; I knew what was best for her.


	7. Chapter 7

**Trigger Warning! Chapter contains Child Abuse! A/N:** Just to be clear this is a story about teen dating violence and child abuse. There will be abuse throughout this story. Every form except sexual so if you have no interest in that be sure to turn away now. You have been warned. On a side note, I would like to say thank you to everyone who has reviewed and given their thoughts and opinions. It honestly means so much to me. I know the idea of Gerald being abusive might be a bit hard to accept, but this story is slightly OOC, and I hope this chapter gives you a better understanding on why Gerald is the way he is. Again thank you for all the love and support, and I hope to get Chapter Eight up soon. Enjoy!

* * *

**September 22nd **

Leon is on everyone's case again. I can't believe he was serious about this whole responsibility bullshit.

"Okay let's look at it this way, how many of you blow up your girls phone when she's not with you?"

"What so now it's a crime to check up on my girl?" Noah crosses his arms.

"No, but why do you have to call her every five minutes when she is away from you?"

"How else we supposed to know if they doing what they say they doing?" Chuey asks.

"Can't you just trust them?" Leon questions.

"I trust Ellie; it's those fucking queens I can't stand." Damien interrupts. "Always talking shit about me, why would I want him spending time with people who don't respect our relationship?"

"So…Ellie isn't allowed to have friends outside of those you approve of?"

_Was I like that to Phoebe? No she had other friends outside of my little group. It was just Helga who was the problem. She was going to break us up._

"That's not what I said," Damien begins to bounce his foot. Over the weeks I learned that we all had our little ticks that we did when something was bothering us. Chuey would crack his knuckles, Nick would run his fingers through his perfect hair and Noah would start to lick his lips.

"You just don't like him hanging around people who don't think so highly of you," Leon probes.

"Okay, but it is wrong to want some respect?" I say surprising myself. I usually don't say anything unless Leon addresses me.

"Explain?" Leon turns towards me.

My heart rate begins to increase. "I mean, I wouldn't let my friends disrespect Phoebe, so why should I put up with it from hers?"

"So the best way to deal with it is, is telling her she can't spend time with her friends, or as I asked earlier, blowing up her phone to see what she's doing and see if she's still thinking about you."

"Exactly," I shrug. "How else are you supposed to make sure her friends haven't convinced her to dump you?"

"No you guys have got it all wrong," All eyes turn towards the redheaded nerd that sits next to Nick. He hardly ever says much and Leon just lets him get away with it. "That's how it starts, you think you are doing what's best for your relationship, but in the end it's just about control."

_Control? Control is what Dad does when he sees his family getting out of line. Control is what I do when I'm in the ring. I was never trying to control Phoebe, just try to lead her in the right direction. _

"Oh yeah, and what makes you the expert all of a sudden Kyle?" Noah glares at him.

"I've taken this class three times now, so I may have picked up a thing or two." Kyle narrows his eyes.

"What now we're supposed to take advice from some asshole that can't even pass this class?"

"Oh I passed this class buddy boy, I was just too stupid to learn something my first time around. I'm here by choice." Noah rolled his eyes. "Don't matter what you think of me though, I'm still right."

"_I'm still right,_" Nick mocks. "I don't give a damn about control, I just want to be with my girl and raise our baby together. Everyone else is getting in the way of that, so I should have a say in who Vanessa wants to associate with."

Everyone nods their heads agreeing with him.

"Okay let me ask you all this, would you act like this with say, one of your guy friends?" Leon asks.

"Hell no!" Chuey sits up straight.

"Why not?"

"Because they would think we was a maricon or some shit…no offense Damien," Damien just waves him off.

"Chuey's right, it's different with your guy friends," Nick adds.

"Why? Because it's easier to go along with your friends or because it's easier to control a woman?" Leon pushes.

_I would never do something like that to Arnold. He was my brother I knew I could trust him to always have my back. I thought I could trust him anyway. _

"It's about who you can trust, woman can be pretty fickle, but your boys? If you can't depend on them then you got no one in this world." Nick says.

_I have no one in this world._

"Alright I'm sensing a common theme here gentlemen. Believe it or not, the way you act in a relationship usually stems from how you were raised as a child. This lack of confidence in yourselves, and in your girls, is telling me that somewhere down the line you all got the wires damaged and never learned to really trust people."_ What's he getting at?_ "So next week we are going to be discussing parents." _Shit!_

The room is filled with groans.

Noah raises his hand "Do we have to? Can't you just call us cured and let us run wild in the city?"

"Sorry gentlemen but you all got a story to tell and once you get to the bottom of it then you will have a better understanding of your anger. Think of it as the first test of the class. But for the time being you are allowed to wreak whatever havoc you have planned for the day. Just remember my rule about not ending up in jail."

**After Class**

"Damn Gerald, you've been practicing huh?" Coach took his hand out of the pad and shook it. I shrug sheepishly.

"I guess so,"

He grins. "You sure you don't want to be in a tournament? You could be a true contender."

"I told you before Coach, I'm not into competitive sports like that. It's just about me trying to better myself,"

Coach nods his head. "Alright then, go work on the bag some, I have to go wrap my hand," He shakes his hand again before going to his office. I pick up my gloves that are on a bench and go over to the punching bag.

Coach is wrong; I haven't been practicing. What Leon said at the end of class really got to me. I'm not ready to talk about Dad, or home, or anything like that. I give the bag some light taps. My punches were only harder because I was thinking about Dad's face. I would never admit it aloud, but my strength wasn't fueled by anger. It was fueled by fear. I learned that during one of Leon's sessions. He had a little chart that said the emotion of anger is a lie. We are never truly angry; our anger only stems from another emotion like embarrassment or disappointment. I was scared.

I began punching the bag even harder.

Always scared. Always afraid. Always on edge. My life at home was hell.

Dad's face began to form on the bag.

I have spent the last seven years living in fear. I have been beaten in the name of love; broken in the name of respect.

Dad's face becomes bloody.

Mom is always trying to protect her babies, but we all know damn well it's me who protects this family. Mom is nothing to me. She keeps me in this situation. That's not love. 'Please sweetie, just give him another chance. He doesn't mean any of this. You know how he gets when he drinks. He loves all of us, you know he does.' Her voice rings in my ears.

I punch harder, knocking out Dad's teeth, blackening his eyes.

We pretend to be this perfect loving family. Lies. I am being raised by the devil. I want to kill him. I want to kill him so badly. He's sent me to the hospital too many times for me to wish anything less. That's why he wants me to keep boxing. So that he will always have a cover, always have an excuse. God I wish he was dead.

I can see Dad's skull. Brain matter is starting to ooze out.

Timberly is the only reason I have stayed so long. If it wasn't for her I would have left years ago. Without me there Timberly will take my place and there was no way in hell I was going to let that happen.

Then it hits me. It hits me hard. My heart is beating at an insane pace.

_What's going to happen when I leave for college?_

I feel my legs give out and I collapse to my knees.

_When I'm gone?_

I can't breathe.

_I can't let Timberly replace me!_

Sweat pours off of me as I violently gasp for air.

"GERALD!" I look up to see Coach running towards me. Tears stream down my face. "Gerald, what's wrong? What happened?"

"I-I-I-" Coach puts his hands on my shoulders. I'm trembling in his grip.

"It's okay. Just breathe, breathe, okay," I gulp in deep breaths until my heart begins to slow. "Better?" I nod my head. "Good, now what happened?" Everyone is looking at us.

"N-n-nothing, I have to go," I shakily get to my feet. "Y-y-yeah, I have to go. Sorry Coach," I get my stuff together as fast I can and leave the gym.

**September 25th **

Days later I am still shaken up about my break down at the gym. Boxing used to help reduce my stress, but now it seemed aggravate my nerves even more. I hadn't stepped foot in the gym in two days. Hopefully Coach wouldn't look too much into it. Instead of going to practice I went straight home after school. My heart skipped a beat when I saw Dad's car sitting out front. I slide my key into the door but I can already hear the arguing.

"I just wasn't expecting you home so soon Martin, you didn't even call to let me know." Mom's voice sounds so weak.

"It doesn't matter Joy! All you do is lay around the house all day getting fat! The least you could do is have some goddamn dinner ready for me when I get home!"

"Dinner usually is ready when you come home at _seven_! It's three-thirty!"

There's a loud smack.

"Don't get smart with me you bitch!"

I walk into the kitchen. "Hey I'm home," Mom is leaning against the stove holding her cheek. I stare right through her. "Everything okay in here?" Dad scowls at me.

"Everything is fine sweetie," Mom says.

"What are you doing home Gerald?" His attention is now on me. _Saved your ass once again Mom._ "Don't you have to train?"

I gesture to my backpack. "I have a ton of homework Dad. You know, I can't get into a good college if I don't keep my grades up."

He nods his head. "I suppose that's a valid excuse, but you are a student athlete son. I expect you to make time for both, as well as your part time job."

"Of course Dad, I wouldn't want to disappoint you." I try to hold back the sarcasm. Not really.

Dad grabs me by the collar of my shirt. "What did I tell you about that smart mouth of yours son?" Even though I have a good three inches on my Dad, he is still the alpha male.

"Martin please," Mom touches his shoulder but he just pushes her off.

"Well son?"

I am shaking so hard in his grip. "Dad you know I would never disrespect you," The fear is evident in my eyes.

"Damn right you won't, because you know I will kick your little ass. I am the father and you are the child, so don't ever get it in your head that you can say whatever the hell you want to me. Are we clear?"

"Yes sir," Dad glares at me for a second longer before releasing me. My heart is about to explode. "Now go do your homework, while your mother gets started on dinner."

My eyes cut to Mom. Her cheek is turning cherry red. She gives me a small smile, to let me know she's okay. I walk upstairs to my room. Timberly is peeking out from behind her door. She wants to come join me in my room but I shake my head no. I don't want to take my anger out on her. I don't want her to see me act like Dad.

Dinner was tense, but civil.

I still need a release. Maybe a liquid release?

_No more drinking man, that's the cause of most of this family's problems._

The punching bag proves futile as well, doing nothing to remove my feelings of inadequacy.

_Why do I let that bastard get to me? I'm bigger and stronger than him. I should be able to put an end to this. No, he loves me, he does, I know he does. No one is that cruel._

I get in the shower, staying in until all the hot water is gone. Fuck the water bill.

I'm still on edge.

I stand in the middle of my room in only my pajama pants. It lies on my desk taunting me.

* * *

By the middle of October Phoebe and I were the _it_ couple. Something about our relationship just looked so pure, so innocent. And it was. I loved the hell out of Phoebe. Girls were getting jealous of Phoebe for the attention she got, guys because I was showing them up. I showered her with gifts, spending all of my paychecks on her. I even started having her teach me Japanese just so we could share little secrets together. I surprised her in the middle of lunch one day by presenting her with a diamond key shaped necklace.

"Watashi wa watashi no tenshi, anata o aishiteimasu. Koko ni watashi no kokoro kagi wa aru." I had whispered in her ear. It roughly translates to: I love you, my angel. Here is the key to my heart. She practically melted in my arms. Phoebe was my everything. She was the only person I could trust with my heart and soul. The only person I was willing to let in.

(Alright Judge Banks, you said you wouldn't read if I didn't want you too right? You said that in a court of law so I'm going to hold you to that! If I find out that you read this next part I'm going to sue your fucking ass off. )

It started on a Thursday night. I had just gotten home from my boxing practice and I just wanted to collapse on my bed.

"Gerald, get your ass in here right this second!" Dad growled from the living room. I could see Timberly sitting at the top of the stairs, hugging one of her stuffed animals. She knew I was in deep shit. I put my duffel bag on the floor and cautiously walked into the room. There was a half empty bottle of rum on the coffee table. Mom was sitting on the couch quietly but I could see her hands fidgeting.

"Honey, we need to talk to you about something," She started but a look from Dad shut her up.

"Yes Dad?" I asked knowing full well this conversation was between me and him. Dad pulled his hand back and slapped me hard across the face. I stumbled back and had to steady myself against the wall. It hurt worse than any punch ever had. I had no idea what I was guilty of this time, not like he ever needed a reason to hit me before.

"Martin! Please don't hurt him!" Mom made no move to stop him, probably paralyzed by her own fear.

"What the hell is this Gerald?" He shook a white paper in front of my face.

"Umm it looks like a bill Dad," I said cautiously.

He grabbed me roughly by the hair and shoved the paper right into my face blinding me.

"Take a good hard look at it son," Dad put his hand on the back of my neck and held me still. I could smell the rum on his breath. "Now tell me exactly what you see." It took a second for my eyes to focus, but I could see it was my bank statement. Highlighted was a debit card purchase for two bottle of vodka totaling thirty dollars. Shit. I remembered I had bought those with my debit card the night of Rhonda's party. I was in too much of a rush to take cash out of the ATM and just swiped my card without thinking.

"Dad…"

"So son, if you're going around buying alcohol, where the hell is it?" My lips were glued shut. "Huh? Do you want to tell me where the alcohol is Gerald?" His grip on my neck tightened. "I'll tell you where it is son," He punched me as hard as he could in the stomach. I felt like I was going to vomit. "What's the matter son? You think you're ready to buy alcohol now, but not ready to take your punishment?" He let me go as I began to grown in pain. "Answer me!"

I can hear Mom crying. "Martin honey please stop! I think he learned his lesson! He won't buy alcohol again, right sweetie?" I slowly rose to my feet. His hits may hurt but I know I can take them.

"Is your mother right son? Have you learned your lesson?"

"You sound almost fatherly, almost like you give a damn." I glared at him. He backhanded me. Even though I was seeing stars I stood my ground. I must have gone crazy back talking him like that. Why didn't I just cower in fear like he wanted? "Yes Dad beat the hell out of me, that will teach me a lesson!"

"You belligerent son of a bitch!" Dad grabbed me by my shirt and shook me violently. "You will respect me in my own damn house!" I tried to free myself from his grip but when he let me go I stumbled back and tripped over the coffee table. My head hit the corner of the fireplace mantle.

"My baby!" Mom ran over to me and wrapped her arms around me. "Martin please! He's had enough!" She cried as she cradled my head in her lap. I felt fine, but it was nice to see her show me some love for once.

"Move aside Joy," His voice was low and menacing.

"Martin please," She held me closer.

"I said move," He shoved her out the way before pulling my hair and forcing me to meet his eyes. He stared at my face for a long moment. "You're bleeding son."

"You going to make it worse Dad, send me to the hospital again?" I whispered. His grip on my hair tightened. I saw him cock his fist. "They asked too many questions when you broke my arm. What do you think they will say when they see you cracked my face open?" We both stared each other down before he finally released me. He didn't say a word as he grabbed his bottle of rum and left the room. A minute later I heard the jingle of his car keys and the front door slamming shut.

I let Mom drag me to the bathroom and get me cleaned up. The cut wasn't that bad, the blood made it look worse.

"Why do you have to provoke him?" She asked as she dabbed my face with rubbing alcohol.

"Why are you still with him?" She won't meet my eyes.

"For you kids... and I love him. You know he wasn't always like this sweetie. It's just the stress from work, or when he's had too much to drink."

"That's all the time Mom." She put a bandage over the cut.

"I know Gerald. But he is my husband and your father. I'm not going to give up on him so easily. I married him for better or worse and I am not going to split up this family."

"What family Mom?!" Tears began to run down my cheek. "You let him hurt me, and tell me to just get over it? Timberly and I have to watch him beat you! How can you just sit back and call this a family?"

Mom wiped the tears from my eyes before kissing my head. "I love you…I love you and your sister so much."

I took hold of her hands. "Please leave him Mom, leave him and take us with you. Because I don't know how much more of this I can take."

She smoothed my curls back and out of my face. "Go to your room and get some rest baby."

I bit my lip hard, wanting to hit her so badly, but did as she told.

Timberly gasped when she saw my face. "Get out of my room Tim."

"Are you going to school tomorrow?" She got off of my bed.

"Yeah why wouldn't I?"

"People are going to ask questions,"

I shook my head. "They won't. I'm a boxer remember? I get into accidents all the time. Now go to your room and do your homework. Also call one of your little friends."

"Why?"

"I want you to stay at someone else's house for the weekend. I'm going to be at Arnold's and I don't want you being here alone."

Timberly nodded her head in understanding and left my room.

I wanted to runaway that night. And before the school year started I would have grabbed Timberly and never looked back. But now I had Phoebe and things were getting complicated. Maybe if I could just share my burden with her? She loved me. She had to understand right?

"Gerald, you have to tell someone,"

"I'm telling you aren't I?"

"Yes and I'm happy that you did, but you need to tell an adult! He could kill you." Phoebe and I were sitting by ourselves under a tree in the quad the day after Dad hit me. The perfect time for me to tell her what really happened to my face. It was so easy for everyone to believe the boxing accident, but I knew I couldn't lie to Phoebe. She had a right to know.

I let out a hollow laugh. "Trust me... if he wanted to kill me he would have done it by now."

Phoebe covered her mouth before wrapping her thin arms around my waist. "How long has this been going on?"

I stroked her hair. "Since I was ten, it's not that bad honest. I can handle it."

"You can handle it huh? Why don't I believe you?"

I pulled away and rolled up my sleeve. "You see that scar?" She ran her fingers over the scar on my left arm. "I got that three years ago when I stood up to him."

"I remember you had your arm in a sling for months. You told everyone you fell out of Mighty Pete."

I shook my head. "Dad had punched my arm so many times that it was almost completely shattered."

"Oh Gerald, please, let me help you."

I lifted her chin and kissed her gently on the lips. "You want to help? Promise you will never leave me, never stop loving me. You are the only person in this world I can trust with my secret. I know it looks bad but I promise you I can handle it. Just as long as you stick by my side I can handle anything this life throws at me."

"Okay Gerald,"

"No Phoebe," I grabbed her by her shoulders. "I need you to promise! Promise to always love me, to always be there for me when I need you the most. No matter how bad things get you have to promise to never give up on me or this relationship. Because right now, you are the only thing stopping me from getting in my car and leaving this city for good. Promise me Phoebe!"

"I promise Gerald. I'm not going anywhere. I love you. I will always be there for you." I searched her eyes. Phoebe couldn't lie. She was too good, too loving, and too perfect. I gave her the deepest, most passionate kiss in the world.

"I love you so much baby. I'm never going to let you go."

Phoebe wrapped her arms around me once again before whispering into my chest, "I promise baby, I'm not going anywhere."

* * *

I'm shaking as I put my pen down. Writing helped to calm my nerves, but not by much. I throw on a sweatshirt and grab my wallet. I need my liquid vice. And I need to hear my angel's voice, just one more time.


	8. Chapter 8

**A/N: **I'm thinking of changing the rating of this story from T to M, since the language is getting more coarse and the abuse is getting more intense. Let me know what you guys think in the reviews.

* * *

**October 3rd **

"Hey,"

Phoebe quickly turned around. "G-G-Gerald," I can feel the panic radiating off of her.

"How have you been?" I take a step closer to her. She doesn't take step back.

"Y-y-you shouldn't be talking to me."

It has taken me almost a month to memorize Phoebe's schedule and find the one time of day where she would be by herself. Some idiot in the front office had given us the same free period, making the restraining order slightly ineffective. However this is the only time she isn't surrounded by teachers or her friends. Phoebe has chosen to spend her time as a TA for an art teacher. Every day at two she goes to the office to make copies of something, giving me plenty of time to talk to her. The halls are empty which was good because I don't want any interruptions.

"Why? Because someone said you shouldn't? Who's gotten to you baby? Helga? Arnold?" I move, closing the gap between us. "You can't trust them baby," I reach my hand out and she flinches. "I'm not going to hurt you," I frown.

"Please…leave me alone Gerald." _She's afraid of me. I haven't even touched her and she's shaking like a leaf._

I press up closer to her and her back hits the locker. I put my hands on either side of her so she can't escape. I can smell her perfume and I begin to feel intoxicated. "I'm going to therapy, I'm getting better."

Phoebe starts to fiddle with the scrunchie on her wrist. "You hurt me Gerald, I can't forgive you. Please leave me alone."

"But I thought you loved me?"

I see a small smile tug at her lips. _Does she still love me?_ "I did love you Gerald. But you never loved me."

"I did love you baby, I still love you, why don't you understand that?"

She shook her head. "Love isn't making me give up my friends, or making sure I dress a certain way. Love isn't calling me every hour or sending me thousands of text messages a week." She took in a deep breath and slowly released it. "Love isn't hitting me because I want to have a life outside of you. Now leave me the hell alone."

The fear her eyes once held is gone. This isn't the innocent girl I had easily manipulated a year ago. This girl has self-respect; she doesn't need a man in her life. She could easily stand on her own two feet and no one could tell her otherwise. Her head is no longer in the clouds; she can finally see the monster I see inside myself every single day. This is no girl. Before me stood a woman, a woman who is _not_ going to succumb to my advances.

"Phoebe, baby" I move to touch her face but she pushes me hard in my chest. I grabbed her wrist before she can slip away.

"Let me go or I will scream." She doesn't look at me. "The police will be called and throw you in jail for violating the restraining order." I slowly slid my hand down her small wrist, caressing her pale fingers for the last time.

She continues to walk down the hall. "My Dad still hits me you know. Can't I just call you when things get out of hand? You know like I used to."

She stops. _Phoebe lives to help others. She can't just leave me knowing how hard life at home is._

"While I do feel sorry for you Gerald, your sob story isn't going to work anymore."

"But Phoebe-"

"And you can stop calling my cellphone and hanging up when I answer. I changed my number."

She left me in that hallway, stunned and utterly alone.

I open up my hand to reveal the scrunchie I have taken off her wrist. I hold it up to my nose and breathe deep. It smells like her flowery perfume and Caress body wash. _At least I still have a small part you. _

That night I masturbate for over three hours as I smell her scrunchie.

"Oh Phoebe…I love you so much." I groan. I am completely enraptured by it, getting drunk off of her scent. It took all my effort to silence my moans as I came for the sixth time. I want Phoebe back so badly. However, as I lay there completely spent, I begin to realize that this is not normal behavior. Normal people don't masturbate to the smell of their ex-girlfriends' hair ties. And normal people don't frantically obsess about said ex-girlfriend to the point of masturbating to aforementioned hair tie.

I am sick.

No.

I am getting sicker.

My obsession with Phoebe is getting out of control, and I need help.

_But do I want help? Do I want to live the rest of my life being this demented?_

"Step One: Admit you have a problem. I guess that's the first rule of recovery huh?" I whisper to myself as I go to the shower to clean up my mess. The hot water hitting me calms my mind, but I know beer would do a better job. Hell Phoebe would practically make my brain melt. But I'm not allowed to have Phoebe, and I'm not allowed to have beer. How am I supposed to cope?

* * *

I've messed up with Phoebe before. When I found out that she fenced with Lorenzo every Sunday I had insisted on being present at all of their sessions. At the time I told myself I just wanted to spend every second I possibly could with her, but now I think I was just jealous that she was spending time alone with Lorenzo.

To be honest, watching them fight was truly annoying. It took all my effort not to rip Lorenzo a new one every time he stabbed Phoebe with the sword. She claimed it didn't hurt, but I still didn't like it.

"You are a very lucky man my friend," Lorenzo said after their session the Sunday before Halloween. Phoebe was in the locker room showering. We were going to the movies and she didn't want me to take her home just so she could change.

"Yeah, I know," I shrugged away from him.

He smirked. "Yes, Phoebe is so talented, so skilled. She could be very great at this sport."

"You don't say," I murmured.

"I am honored that you trust her to train with me. But I promise you she is in good hands. You don't have to come to every class."

"No my man I think I do." I cracked my knuckles. "You see Phoebe is my girl, I have to make sure she's safe. We wouldn't want her to have an accident now would we?"

Lorenzo looked from my hands to my face. "I suppose not, but I think you are a bit too protective of her. She is not a delicate flower. I promise you that she can handle anything I or any other man throw at her."

I grabbed the front of his protective covering. "You motherfucking bastard! You touch Phoebe and I will kill you."

"Gerald I'm ready," Phoebe called. I glared at Lorenzo one last time before shoving him away. "Umm, is everything okay over here?" She asked picking up on our tension.

"We're great, baby, come on let's hurry before we miss our movie."

"Yes we better go. Bye Lorenzo, we will see you tomorrow."

Lorenzo's eyes cut to me before he took hold of Phoebe's hand. I clenched my fists. "Yes my little flower I will see you tomorrow." He kissed her hand. "And be sure to practice with your father. Our tournament is in a few months and I want to bring home a trophy."

"Of course Lorenzo, there's no way we can lose this year." She smiled. Slut.

As Phoebe walked to the exit I could see Lorenzo's eyes going straight towards her ass. "By the way Gerald, I can handle anything you throw at me as well." He said under his breath. I flipped him off and caught up with Phoebe. I stopped her and kissed her deeply right in his line of sight.

"Mmm, Gerald, where did that come from?" I looked up to see Lorenzo storming off.

"What I can't show my baby some love?" Phoebe blushed and took hold of my hand.

"I love you too," She stood to kiss my lips but I turned my face so that she got my cheek. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah I'm fine. Come on let's go," I said leading her to my car.

But I wasn't fine. For some reason I couldn't let it go. Lorenzo just pushed too many of my buttons for me to feel comfortable with Phoebe.

"Phoebe, be honest with me okay? Just tell me the truth and I promise I won't get mad." I asked as I pulled into a parking spot towards the back of the lot, away from where people would notice us.

"Umm okay, but make it fast our movie starts in ten minutes."

"Have you ever done anything, anything at all with Lorenzo?"

Phoebe sighed. "Not this again. Gerald how many times do I have to tell you? No. I have no interest in Lorenzo." I was annoying her. Maybe she just had something to hide.

"Then why is he always kissing your hand?"

"Because I asked him to,"

"What? You asked him to do that?" Phoebe rolled her eyes and I glared at her. "Don't roll your fucking eyes! How you going to let some other dude do that to you right in front of me?"

"It's part of his culture Gerald! It's custom to kiss women on the lips when they greet each other and say goodbye. You know as a sign of respect. I told him I wasn't comfortable with that, but said he could kiss my hand."

"He kissed you on the lips?" I began to ball my fists. "So you lied to me? You said you never did anything with him!"

"I never did! He just kissed me once when I transferred into his class. That's how we started talking to each other more."

"Yeah sure and how long ago was that?"

"Two years ago! Way before you decided to ask me out!"

"Well Lorenzo sure as hell likes you, how can I trust you to stay faithful to me?"

Phoebe was quiet for a moment. "Lorenzo doesn't like me Gerald." She was playing dumb. I just knew it.

"Yes he does! He told me so himself, and he's just waiting for the day we break up so he can swoop in and take my spot. Why do you think he flirts with you all the time?"

"He does not flirt with me all the time! He's just very friendly. But I promise you Lorenzo does not like me! And even if he did I'm with you."

"How do I know you aren't cheating on me with him? Huh? You never do anything physical with me, but I bet you would spread your fucking legs for him!"

Phoebe gasped. "Are you serious right now?"

"All he has to do is whisper some Spanish shit in your ear and it gets your panties fucking wet am I right?"

"Why are you being so mean?"

"Why are you being such a goddamn slut?"

"I am not being a slut!"

I wanted to slap her so badly. How could someone so smart be so dense? "Do I have to spell it out for you? Lorenzo is trying to fuck you! F-U-C-K Y-O-U!"

"Fine let's say he is! Do you want me to not just hang out with Lorenzo? Will that make you happy?"

"Yes you dumb bitch! Stay away from him!"

"You are being ridiculous right now!"

"No I'm being your boyfriend!"

"I don't have to put up with this shit Gerald. Take me home right now!"

"No, not until you understand."

"Take me home Gerald!"

"No,"

"Fine then I will walk home, or maybe call Lorenzo, I'm sure he would _love_ to take me home." She moved to open the door.

"Oh no you don't you lying bitch." She screamed as I pulled her back and closed her door locking it. I covered her mouth. "The hell is wrong with you! There's no reason for all that yelling!"

"Let me go right now Gerald!" She struggled in my arms but I was too strong.

"No, not until we talk about this!"

"There's nothing to talk about because I'm not doing anything wrong!" We wrestled with each other and somehow ended up in the back seat with me pinning her arms down to her sides.

"No! You are going to listen to me!" Tears were streaming down her face. "Now I fucking love you! I love the hell out of you! I would rather die than spend another waking moment away from you."

"Then why don't you trust me?"

"I do trust you baby," My voice began to soften. "It's other people I don't trust. People like Lorenzo and Helga. They want to split us up. They don't think I'm good enough for you. They think they know what is best for you. They don't want you to be happy." She continued to sob. "I know they are your friends, but they are getting in the way of us baby."

"Th-th-that's not true,"

"Yes it is!" I tightened my grip on her arms as tears started to fall from my own eyes. "I love you baby, I gave you the fucking key to my heart. Would I lie to you?"

"N-n-no" She whimpered. "But why are you being so mean?"

"I know and I'm sorry, but this is the only way I can get you to understand." I began to kiss her forehead. "You are so naïve to what's going on around you, but I can see and I have to open your eyes." I kissed her eyes. "I'm sorry if I'm hurting you, but you are my girlfriend." I paused then kissed her on the lips. "No, you are more than that. You are my soul mate, and I will fight each and every day to prove my love and devotion to you. I will never let anyone get in the way of our love baby."

I continued to kiss her face as she breathed deeply, her sobs beginning to subside.

"You think we're soul mates?"

"I know we are baby, I've never felt this way about anyone before in my life. This is love."

"I've never felt this way before either. You're my first relationship. I love you so much Gerald, but can you please just trust me?"

"Oh I do trust you baby, but like I said it's the other people, the people that get inside your ear and try to tell you otherwise. You're going to have to meet me halfway here. If I say don't hang around that person, you have to trust me."

"I trust you,"

"I'm sorry for being so rough with you," I let go of her. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah, I'm fine. My arms might be a little bruised though." She said as she sat up.

I stretched out her arms and I could see a faint hand shaped bruise. "You know I would never hurt you on purpose right?" I kissed her discolored skin. "I…I don't want you to think I'm like my Dad or anything."

"No I know you wouldn't do it on purpose,"

I massaged her arm. "Dad usually hits when he's drunk. I know I have a bit of a temper, so just, you know, don't push my buttons or anything like that. I don't want to accidently hit you or something." She nodded her head. "You should probably wear a sweater to school tomorrow. Does it hurt?"

"No, I'm okay." I pulled her close to me and she laid her head on my chest. "You're right though."

"Hmm?"

"I'm so inexperienced when it comes to this relationship stuff. I've never had a guy…just tell me straight up that he loves me and wants to protect me. I guess that's why so many people our age break up so often. They don't know what true love is."

"No baby, they don't" I lifted her chin and kissed her.

We never did see the movie. That kiss quickly became more than what I was expecting. We didn't go all the way but we went pretty far. And it was perfect. After that she never doubted my love for her and was ready to do whatever I asked on command. Back then I saw it as devotion, but as I'm writing this, I'm beginning to see it for what it really was. Control.

* * *

I put the pen down and stare at the scrunchie that sits adjacent to my journal. I swallow hard, wanting to indulge in my sick pleasure once again. Instead I pull on some sweats and a hoodie. The gym is closed by now, so all I can do is go for a run.


	9. Chapter 9

**Trigger Warning! A/N:** On Monday 10/28 I will be changing the rating of this story from T to M. Some scenes are just getting to intense. Including this one. Please remember to change the rating settings from K-T to All, when you look for my story in the future. You can also follow or favorite as that will tell you when I have updated.

* * *

**October 13th **

Noah's gone.

Leon had to cancel class last week, to deal with some "unforeseen circumstances," thus delaying the inevitable talk about our parents.

"Yo Leon where's the freak today? Don't tell me he actually passed this class?" Chuey asks.

"Noah is now a resident at the Hillwood Juvenile Detention Center. Unless any of you wish to join him I suggest not violating your restraining orders." His eyes land on me. I remain stoic but my heart begins to thump louder.

_He knows._

"Didn't think he had it in him," Chuey snickers.

"This is no laughing matter Mr. Ramirez. If you all don't get whatever issues you have under control, you will end up in the same place." Leon frowns.

Chuey rolls his eyes. "Whatever man,"

"But since you are so talkative today, how about you get our discussion started."

"What makes you think I got shit to say?"

"Oh come on? This whole cholo bit? You must have an interesting little story?" Leon prods. "You come from a family of gang members? Or you have to step up and be the man of the house?"

Chuey glares at him. _Leon hit a nerve. _"Fine you want to hear about my family so damn badly? I do come from a family of gang members. I didn't have to go through all the initiation crap but I did get jumped in. Do you know what it's like having your older brothers and their buddies beat the shit out of you for three minutes straight? I was only thirteen fucking years old."

"That must be a source of pent up anger for you?"

Chuey smirks. "Not really. They and Pops are all up state right now. I'm free, why would that make you mad?"

"Maybe because the people that were supposed to look after you hurt you?"

Chuey cracks his knuckles. "Nah, I'm more pissed that I got to run shit at home now. Moms got to work two jobs that don't bring home enough to pay the bills. Plus she got another fucking baby on the way. There just ain't enough money to go around. So yeah I got to get my hustle on but that don't make me a bad guy."

"Are you sure about that?"

"Yeah, my family, we all get on each other's nerves sometimes but it's not that bad. We all are a little hot blooded. But at the end of the day we stand by our own. My family is good to me." Leon nods but looks like he wants to say more. "And before you go around thinking I got beat on my whole life I didn't. Aside from getting jumped in no one in my family has laid a hand on me. Now get off my culo and harass someone else." He slumps back in his chair.

We all are quiet, no one willing to volunteer their story.

"Gerald, tell us about your family,"

_Fuck._

I shrug. "What's there to say? My Mom and Dad are together…I got a little sister and an older brother. I come from a normal family. "

"Normal is subjective. Tell us about your parents. What do they do for a living?"

I will my heart to slow its pace. "Mom stays at home, you know doing the whole June Cleaver thing and Dad…Dad works as an accountant for Big Bob's." There I finally admitted it. My Dad works for Big Bob Pataki.

"That crappy electronic store?" Damien snorts.

I nod my head. "He started working there about seven years ago."

"I've heard about Big Bob's…anger management issues. Your Dad must be pretty stressed working for a guy like him," Leon says.

Dad didn't start drinking until he started working there, didn't start putting his hands on me until then either. It is Bob's fucking fault that my life is in shambles. And while Dad has to deal with the boss from hell, I am forced to deal with the demon spawn. Granted, I doubt Helga knows that my father works for her family but I'm not about to inform her and give her some kind of leverage over me.

"Yeah he can get pretty stressed."

"How does he handle that stress?"

I restrain a chuckle. "Rum mostly, but he's not afraid to use bourbon."

"Does he ever get violent when he drinks?"

_Yes._

"No, my family is mostly like Chuey's. We all get along, and I'm happy that my Dad prefers to drink his problems away than put his hands on me. Besides isn't it kind of fucked up to go smacking your kids around every time you're angry?"

"Oh boo hoo. _I'm so scared of my Daddy hitting me. Help me, help me._"

I turn towards Kyle.

"You got something to say?" I narrow my eyes.

"Yeah it's people like you and Chuey that piss me off,"

Chuey perks up.

"Kyle…" Leon starts.

"Don't worry I'll be nice. You two are what's so fucking wrong with this country. Spare the rod and spoil the child." He shakes his head.

"Oh and let me guess? Your Pops knocked you around a couple of times?" Chuey asks.

"Only when I deserved it, make sure I wasn't out there doing whatever the hell I wanted."

"I don't know but it looks like you're in the same shit as the rest of us," I say through gritted teeth.

"Yeah but I learned my lesson. You all are still wet behind your ears. I can see it clear as day. Maybe if you had a firm hand growing up you wouldn't have beaten the shit out of your girls."

"And what makes you the fucking expert Kyle?" Chuey has his fists balled. "What makes you think you're so much better than us?"

"Alright that's enough!" Leon says. "Kyle that was out of line and you know it. Remember we are supposed to respect each other here, not bring one another down."

Kyle and Chuey continue to glare at each other. I have no idea what this guy's problem is. I don't care what he says; he's just as crazy as the rest of us.

Damien goes next. He surprises me by saying that his Dad had been beating him ever since he saw him kissing a guy when he was five. I was thinking he may have been molested or something. His Mom didn't much approve either and allowed the abuse to go on for years. It wasn't until a failed suicide attempt that the state gave his Aunt legal guardianship and he's been out and proud ever since.

Finally we get to Nick. I've been watching him ever since Kyle made the comment about being spoiled. Usually Nick would have joined in the argument but he remained uncharacteristically quiet. He turns to Kyle keeping their eyes locked.

"I was never beat as a child; in fact I was spoiled rotten. I come from an extremely wealthy family, and anything I ask for I get. Nothing has, and nothing will ever be off limits to me. I was your typical rich brat until I turned six and my parents got a divorce. Now my Mom got full custody of me and my older sister, Kate, which was for the best seeing as Dad didn't really want kids in the first place." He runs his fingers through his hair. "Mom remarried real fast, a woman like her just can't stand to be alone. But get this, the new dude I'm supposed to be calling 'Daddy,' he starts molesting my sister."

"Nick…you don't have to keep telling us this if you don't want to." Leon says.

Nick holds up his hand quieting him. "This thirty-something year old man is molesting my nine year old sister. Want to know how I found out? I caught him once. He told me that he would kill me and Kate if I told Mom. I pissed my pants I was so scared." Nick messes with his hair again. "That fucking bastard molested her for two and a half years until she finally committed suicide the day after her birthday. No note, no nothing. Mom starts drinking and turns to some prescription shit to numb her pain. But do you want to know what's really fucked up? That bastard turns to me. ME! My sister's body isn't in the ground a week before he starts coming to my room at night. Said he could make me feel better. That goes on for six months before I finally feel low enough to take my life too. He told me no one would ever believe me, but I told my Mom. I yelled it at her; I screamed it at her until I lost my voice. She kicked his ass out so fast…" He swallows. "She took him to court, had him thrown in jail, and divorced him. He's out now, a registered sex offender living in Florida. I'm happy you know, because I stopped it, but Mom, she isn't the same. She just keeps popping her pills and drinking her booze. Which is fine by me, I've been raised by nannies ever since." He smirks at Kyle's horrified expression. "So no, I've never been knocked around. Still think I should have been?"

We are all quiet trying to absorb the enormity of it all.

"I hate to leave on a bad note, so I'm letting you all know this is my last class. I got Vanessa to drop the charges." Nick stands.

"Are you sure that's a good idea Nick. You had to have been holding that in for some time." Leon looks worried. "I mean we just barely scratched the surface of your anger issues."

"I don't have anger issues. I have a parent issue. Her parents keep getting in the way of me becoming one."

"Your molestation could explain your obsession with having a baby with Vanessa. Let me guess, you are hoping she's going to have a girl?"

"So what if I am? It's not a crime, and it wasn't rape. I've got a new purpose in this life now."

"Please don't go. You still could use a lot of counseling." Leon pleads putting a hand on his shoulder.

Nick shrugs him off. "Save it for someone who gives a damn."

The door slams shut behind him.

**At Home**

I ended up going the gym after class, but boxing with Coach couldn't quiet my racing mind. I mean I thought I had problems. Damn Nick. He has to walk around every day and live with that shit. Just pretend that everything in his life is perfect, knowing he has to keep his secret hidden. I never thought I would meet anyone who was just as tortured as me. But maybe he's not that tortured at all. I mean at least he had the balls to tell the truth while I continue to act like a little bitch.

God I need a drink.

I glance at my watch; it's five-thirty. I promised I would walk Timberly over to her friend's house for a sleepover in an hour. I can't do that if I'm wasted.

Fuck my life.

* * *

Even though Lorenzo and I were not on the best of terms, he still invited me to his Halloween party. If it wasn't for Phoebe I would have said no, but the girls in our group all but kidnapped her and had gone shopping for costumes. Besides she was so excited to attend her first Halloween party, and I loved seeing my baby happy.

"Oh I love your costume Gerald. It's so…unique." Lila smiled. "But if you don't mind me asking, who are you supposed to be?"

I gawked at her. "Seriously? I'm a voodoo witch doctor!" I shook my make shift staff at her.

"Well…that is lovely…what made you choose such a novel idea?"

I rolled my eyes. "Timberly has been watching _The Princess and the Frog_ all month. She said I should dress up as Doctor Facilier. I told her I wasn't about to wear a belly shirt but I liked the idea."

"Well it is still ever so lovely. You are sure to give many of our classmates quite a fright."

I glanced at Arnold who just shrugged. He was going as Alex from _A Clockwork Orange_.

"Whatever just get in the car, we still got to pick up Phoebe." Lila smiled as Arnold opened the back door for her, making sure she didn't ruin her Pipi Longstocking outfit. I think he was just trying to see up her skirt before he got in the front seat.

When we pulled up in front of Phoebe's house I texted her that I was outside.

"What you're not going to go up there and get her?" Arnold joked. "You expect her to come like some obedient little puppy?"

I smirked. "I can't help it if I got it like that my man."

"Umm eww, maybe you could not be so misogynistic," Lila's face twisted in disgust.

"Arnold if you ever want any tips on how to keep your girl in check just let me know," I laughed.

Before either could respond the backdoor opened and Phoebe slipped inside. "Hello you guys, Happy Halloween."

Our eyes met as I looked at her through the rearview mirror. She blew me a kiss. As we got to a stop light I looked back and took in her outfit. She had on a baggy white T-shirt and some dark brown leggings.

"What are you dressed up as Phoebe? A ghost or something?" Arnold asked.

"Yeah Phoebe what are you wearing?" Lila looked confused. "That is not the costume we picked out for you."

Phoebe bit her lip. "I know, but my parents would never let me out the house looking like that. But don't worry I have it on underneath this thing."

Lila squealed. "Oh I can't wait to see you in it again. It really shows off that cute little figure of yours. The guys are going to be all over you tonight."

I cleared my throat.

"Well it doesn't matter how I look since I'm going to be with Gerald all night." She bit her lip.

It didn't take us long to reach Lorenzo's place and I was thankful to find a spot not too far from his house. We got inside and were immediately surrounded by at least a hundred kids. Before I could pull Phoebe close to me, Lila took hold of her hand and dragged her off through the crowd. I lost sight of her but knew she would find me. I had told her the day before that Arnold and I had planned on drinking all of Lorenzo's booze before the night was over. We walked towards the kitchen where there was a small crowd watching Park doing a keg stand. I grabbed two beers out of a cooler and tossed one to Arnold.

"You doing that tonight?" I nodded my head towards Park.

"Maybe, although last time I did I woke up the next day hugging a flamingo."

I shook my head. "You are such a light weight. Just don't vomit in my car on the way home again."

He shrugged. "I'm not making any promises." Some girl came around offering Jell-O shots. Arnold and I did five each.

"So what do you think Phoebe was hiding under her little outfit?" I asked drinking from a bottle of vodka I had found. Arnold was now eyeing the keg stand and I wanted to keep him distracted.

"No clue, but I'm sure it can't be any worse than what Gloria has on." He gestured over to the dining room where Gloria was giving Stinky a lap dance. "That has got to be the sluttiest school girl I have ever seen."

"I know, she could have at least put on a costume," Arnold and I busted out laughing.

"Hello there gentlemen," Lorenzo approached as we wiped the tears from our eyes. "Nice costumes."

"Thanks, nice party." I said curtly. His costume was nice too; I just wasn't going to tell him that. He was dressed as Ezio from Assassin's Creed II. Rich bastard.

"Thank you. I hope you guys don't mind me saying this but your girlfriends look rather, arousing in their costumes. Is it safe to assume that at least one of you plans on getting laid this evening?"

Arnold's face turned a deep red and he rubbed his neck. I held the neck of the bottle tighter as I sipped from it.

"Umm, well we hadn't really thought of doing anything like that Lorenzo," Arnold said.

"Hmm, I see. Well in case you change your mind I would just like to inform you that one of my many guest rooms is at your disposal. I myself plan on being with a fine beauty tonight." He said smugly.

"We will keep that in mind…thanks." Arnold said awkwardly.

"Oh and Gerald," He gave me one of his cheeky grins. "Phoebe looks absolutely luscious in her costume. You better keep an eye on her. Wouldn't want any other man thinking she's fair game." He smirked before walking off.

"What the hell was that about?" Arnold grabbed another beer.

"Lorenzo wants to bone Phoebe. I swear if he touches her I'm going to rip his fucking head off."

"Oh calm down, it's not that damn serious."

"Calm down? He's trying to push up on my girl and you want me to calm down?" Why wasn't he on my side?

"Lorenzo wouldn't do that. He knows to respect your relationship, no matter how rude he was about it."

"How do I know he hasn't done it already?" I gave him a serious look.

"Done what?"

"Slept with her!"

"Okay now you're being paranoid. Phoebe wouldn't cheat on you. That's not like her. Besides, she's a virgin…right?" Arnold raised an eyebrow.

"Last time I checked. But maybe I need to go make sure of that," I put the bottle down and pushed through the crowd.

"Hey wait up," Arnold called.

I didn't see Phoebe anywhere in the sea of costumed faces. It would have helped if she had least told me what she was dressing up as.

"There you are!" I felt someone tug on my hand. "I've been looking everywhere for you."

I looked down to see Rhonda made up like one of those girls for Dia de Los Muertos.

"Where's Phoebe?"

"Right this way sweetie," Nadine appeared on my other side. She was dressed as a butterfly. They dragged me over to the staircase where a group of guys and girls were talking to someone.

"Step aside simpletons, he hasn't even seen her yet." Rhonda shoved me through the crowd and I came face to face with the girl of my dreams. Chun-Li.

Phoebe's face was beet red. "Hey Gerald, what do you think?"

I couldn't take my eyes off of her. The dress hugged her body so perfectly, her tights now looked like a second skin, and don't even get me started on the go-go boots. I'm getting hard just thinking about it.

"Wow…"

"I know right. I saw it in the store and it just had Phoebe written all over it." Rhonda said.

"And who knew Phoebe could look so damn hot!" Nadine added.

"You got that right!" Sid said as he and Harold wandered over to us. "Phoebe where you been hiding that banging body?"

Phoebe blushed even harder. "Thank you, I guess." She smiled and struck a pose. Some of the guys gave wolf whistles. "So Gerald what do you think? Do you like my costume?"

I did. Phoebe had become my ultimate fantasy.

"Yeah Gerald, do you like her costume?" Lorenzo appeared by her side and kissed her hand. "I know I do,"

I took hold of Phoebe's free hand and shoved him out of the way. "Excuse me friend, but I'm going to need one of your guest rooms, immediately." I could feel his eyes burning a hole into my head as I dragged Phoebe upstairs and into an empty room.

"Oh Gerald, I don't know if we should be in here,"

I locked the door. The music was too loud, no one would hear us. I guess that's what Lorenzo wanted since he expected people to be fucking in his house.

"I mean I know I look pretty good but I don't think I'm ready just yet."

I turned to her and crossed my arms.

"Plus it's rather rude to you know…be intimate in another person's house."

My eyes narrowed. "That's why you think I brought you up here? To have sex with you?"

"Umm," Phoebe bit her lip and slowly stepped back. "Well yeah, I mean that's what everyone says they do at Lorenzo's parties. Go upstairs and have sex…"

I shook my head, a small smile playing across my lips. "Why would I want to have sex with a slut like you?"

"What?"

"You heard me," I backed her into a corner. "What makes you think I would even want to touch you?"

"W-w-why are you so upset?"

"Are you really that stupid?" I grabbed her by the arm and drug her to the mirror on the closet door. "Look at yourself!" I pressed her face up against the mirror. "Take a good look at yourself!" I pressed harder. Why wouldn't it break all over her fucking face? "You look like a fucking whore!" Tears began to fall, ruining her make up. Good.

"I'm sorry!"

"Oh you're sorry?" I pulled her hair back. "No you're not! You wanted me to look like a fucking fool down there!" I pushed her into the dresser. She fell to the floor holding her side. "Get up!" My foot hit her when she didn't get up fast enough. "GET UP!"

"Gerald, baby, please stop! I'm sorry!" Phoebe moved further away from me.

I picked her up by the neck and flung her on the bed. "You wanted those guys to look at you. You know what they saw? A slut!"

"No that's not true!" She tried to crawl away.

I growled and got on top of her pinning her arms above her head. "Yes it is! You are a goddamn slut! Just look at how you're dressed! You're even on your back waiting for me to fuck you!"

She shook her head. "No, I don't want that honest!"

"Yes it is!" I roared. "You thought that's why I brought you up here! Only sluts like you think they are going to get fucked every time they are alone with a guy." She cried harder. "I bet you just loved hearing Lorenzo say how sexy you looked. You wanted to fuck him right there didn't you?"

"No I didn't!"

"Yes you did I saw it in your eyes!" I put my hand on her chin so she was forced to look at me. "And didn't I tell you to stay away from him?" She continued to sob. "Didn't I?"

"Yes!" She screamed.

"So why do you continue to insult me and our relationship by talking to that bastard?"

"I was just being nice! He talked to me first!"

"Liar! I bet you call him all the fucking time when I'm not around! Tell me the truth!"

"No I don't!" She whined. "You're the only guy I talk to! Honest!"

"Lying whore! I bet you wish Lorenzo or one of those other perverts was up here right now? Don't you?"

"No!"

"Yes you do! Is that where you learned to do all that stuff that we do together? By practicing on other guys first?"

"No, you're my first everything!"

"Have you given them this too?" I grabbed between her legs and Phoebe yelled even louder. I licked her neck as she struggled to free herself. "Maybe I should just take it? Because it looks like you will open your legs for any motherfucker! Am I right?" I ripped her dress making it even shorter. I got in between her legs and postioned myself. I wanted to tear both our fucking clothes off so badly. "This is what you want right? Right?" I dry humped her for a good minute relishing in her cries.

"Stop! Please stop!"

I spit in her face. "You're probably already used anyway!"

"No I'm not! I swear to God I'm not!" Her cries became even louder, more irritating.

"Shut up! Just shut up!" I got off of her and pulled her down to the floor. She tried to get free of my grip but I threw her against the wall. She laid there a sobbing mess; cowering when I went to her, my fist raised.

I saw it then.

That fear.

That fear I have every time Dad starts to go a little too far.

That fear that he was going to kill me.

I stumbled back falling on my ass, shaking my head. Phoebe continued to cry but I could no longer see her. My heart, it just wouldn't stop beating. I could feel it in my ears. It was going to explode.

"Daddy, Daddy, Daddy." I could see it so clearly. This was it. The end. I had taken Phoebe's place, Dad looming over me, fist raised. I braced for impact. No air. No air in. My lungs were on fire. Dad always went for the throat when he wanted to shut me up. When I had gotten too smart for my own good. His grip was too tight. Too much pressure.

"Please Daddy, I'm sorry Daddy. I'll be good. I can be good I promise!" My eyes darted around the room. No escape. Where was the fucking door? No one to save me. I was going to die. Die, die, die, die, die, die. "I didn't mean to make you mad!" I couldn't breathe. Oh God I couldn't breathe. The thumping of my heart was too loud. Too fast. Why couldn't anyone hear it? "Please, someone help me!"

I sat there rocking myself, mumbling, until I felt a cool rag being placed on the back of my neck. My eyes went wide as I felt hands gently rubbing my back.

"Gerald…it's okay. It's okay…just relax. You're going to be okay." So sweet, so soft. My angel. "Come on take some nice deep breaths. Everything is going to be okay." Phoebe whispered into my ear. She whispered forever. So gentle, so loving. My heart slowly returned to a normal pace.

"Ph-Phoebe?"

"You don't have to say anything just relax,"

I shook my head. "Water,"

She left my side and I could hear water running. She came back with a plastic cup and held it to my lips. I sipped it slowly. "Are you feeling better?"

I nodded as I start to get my bearings. "I…I'm sorry. Sorry you had to see me that way."

She smoothed back my hair. "It was just a panic attack."

"No…I mean, earlier." I swallow hard. "I…oh God," I buried my head into my hands. "I fucking attacked you." I began to sob. "Are you okay?"

Phoebe bit her lip then lifted her dress to reveal an ugly black blotch on her ribs. "Oh God." I wrapped my arms around myself. "I did that to you! I fucking hurt you! I'm just like my fucking Dad!"

I cried.

I cried hard.

Phoebe wrapped her arms around me, holding me close. "How could I do that to you? I'm so sorry baby," I looked into her sad eyes. "I'm so sorry."

"I know you are baby."

"I…I need to go. I can't do this right now." I started to get up but the room began to spin, and I fell back against the bed. Damn vertigo.

Phoebe helped me lie down before taking hold of my hand. "Just relax okay? You aren't ready to be moving around just yet."

"No I have to get away from you! I can't be with you."

Phoebe's eyes went wide. "What are you saying?"

"I hurt you baby! I hurt you so fucking bad! I lost it! You don't deserve a piece of shit like me."

She bit her lip and tightened her grip on my hand. "Are you breaking up with me?"

"Yes…no." I squeezed my eyes shut. "I just wish I could take it all back. I…I don't know if I can handle a relationship right now."

"Gerald…"

"Just…just leave me alone for a while okay…I need some time to think."

Phoebe threw her skinny arms around my waist and began to cry. I stroked her hair as she wet my shirt. "I don't want to break up with you," She sobbed.

I looked down at her. "Aren't you mad at me? You should be jumping for joy that I want to leave you."

"I know, I know!" She wiped her eyes. "But I love you. I know that this isn't you. You come from an abusive home so not all of this is your fault."

My heart began to crack. She was too forgiving. "I hurt you so badly baby. I don't know if I can live with myself."

"I will be okay. But you need help. And ending our relationship can't be good. Since you refuse to tell anyone else I'm the only one who can help you get through this."

"But…what if I lose it again? I don't want to freak out on you like that ever again."

"Let me help you Gerald. I love you and you love me right?" I nod my head. "Do you think you will do it again?"

"If I do I promise I will buy a gun and kill myself."

"I don't want you to do that. We will get through this together. I know that Gerald…the one who just did all that, he's not the guy I fell in love with."

"I'm so sorry baby. I will get help, I promise. I swear to God, I will never hurt you again."

Don't swear to God. He's not the one holding you accountable for your actions. I should have sworn to her.

We stayed in that room all night, just holding each other. Reaffirming our love. The next day everyone assumed we had done the dirty deed, but we hadn't. Not that I was going to put an end to the rumor. Things were good for a while after that. For months even. I didn't touch her, not once, didn't even lose my temper. Why couldn't things stay that way? Stay…perfect. I guess that was just an illusion I had built for myself huh?

* * *

There's a knock at my door.

"Gerald, I'm ready."

I look at my clock. I'm not ready to go. I want to live in my fantasy world for just a little longer.

"Alright I'm coming Tim,"

At least I can get some beer on the way home. Then I can pretend to be happy for a couple more hours.


	10. Chapter 10

**A/N:** Hey sorry for the slow updates and I know this chapter is pretty short compared to the previous one. Life has just been getting in the way you know? I've got work and some financial issues but nothing I can't work out. Also I have become obsessed with this really awesome cartoon called SheZow. There is some fanfiction about it on this site, but not a lot. In the US it comes on the Hub Network. I'm watching all the episodes online and it's pretty good despite all the terrible puns. I'm honestly considering dressing up like her for next Halloween. Check it out when you get the chance. Enjoy Chapter Ten!

* * *

**November 21st**

For the past month Leon has been trying to get us to recognize our triggers. What is that one thing that sends us over the edge? To be honest I have no idea what mine is. Is it my need to feel loved? I must hate women right? Do I have low self-esteem? Maybe it's because my family is dysfunctional and I have an undying need for normalcy? Maybe because I want normalcy I have to be in control, and when I'm not I get scared? Scared of what? The downward spiral? Like I said, I have no idea what my trigger is. Leon says that regardless of what sets us off, we are ultimately responsible for how we respond to any given situation. I guess that's why I have made the conscious decision not to be a smart-ass this evening. That's control right? I can handle that; being in control of my own actions. Especially on this day, because if there is one holiday I despise most in this world it has to be Thanksgiving. Not for historical reasons, although that first Thanksgiving was pretty fucked up, but because I have to endure a full uninterrupted sixteen hour period with my family. The only thing that makes up for it is a halfway decent meal.

"Jamie-O's here," Timberly says as she flops on my bed.

_Great, let the festivities begin._

"Don't act so excited," I fish through my closet looking for a nice dress shirt. Dinner is always at three and I am nowhere near presentable. Dad will certainly have some choice words for me if I come down looking like I rolled out of bed. Failure seems to be his favorite. "You will wrinkle your dress if you keep lying around. Go sit at my desk."

"Like I give a fuck," But she goes anyway.

"Language young lady," I smirk.

"My language should be the least of your worries. Just be thankful I'm not giving blowjobs in the janitor's closet." I freeze for a moment. _Are they really starting that early now?_

"Touché," As long as she isn't the one getting down and dirty, I am happy.

"I like that shirt,"

"Thanks…Phoebe bought it for me,"

We are quiet for a long moment. I rip the shirt off.

"You know…I don't hate you…for what you did." She's fiddling with my journal.

"And what did I do Timberly? Huh? You're just a stupid kid. You don't know anything."

She gets out of the chair and walks to the door.

"I know that's not who you really are. And I know that you wish you could take it back. But you can't. You need to accept what you did before you swear you will never do that to someone else you love. Otherwise it's going to just keep eating at you until you do something stupid…again. It's time you let her go Gerald."

She slams my door shut.

_Insightful bitch. God I love her. _

Timberly has a point though. The problem is I'm not ready to admit what I did to Phoebe. Because when I do I will be admitting I'm just like my bastard father. And I'm not ready to accept that.

**Dinner**

"And what are you thankful for Lola?"

"This little one of course," She says rubbing her protruding stomach. "We are going to find out the sex next week. Jamie-O is hoping for a boy, but I think it's going to be a girl."

"Well Jamie-O is probably right. Boys run on our side." Dad beams.

"It would be nice to pass on the family name," Jamie-O grins. "Because we all know Gerald won't be doing that anytime soon."

_Who the hell let him reproduce? _

I ignore him. Arguing with Jamie-O is pointless and will only cause Dad to lash out.

"Pass the yams," I say to no one in particular.

For now there is light chatter. Dad is still smiling, proud that his favorite child is home. Things are nice. A nice normal family.

I slowly chew the bland food. It feels thick like peanut butter as it goes down my throat. I know I'm going to be sick later.

Why can't my family always be like this? So loving, so perfect.

I hate it when we lie.

Dad drinks a lot this evening. No more than usual but Jamie-O is here. The golden child. No reason to throw a fit about anything. He will be the loving father that Jamie-O knows, the one that lives in my dreams.

After dinner I grab my journal and slip out. No one will notice my absence.

I end up in front of Phoebe's house. Every year her family spends Thanksgiving in Kentucky, visiting relatives. All her neighbors are busy with their own celebrations. No one would notice if I sat on her stoop for a while, right?

* * *

Last Thanksgiving I was a paranoid wreck.

"You're acting like Curly, before he got on his medication. Will you just relax?" Arnold teased.

"Don't compare me to that mental freak!" I snapped at him. "She hasn't called me yet, do you think she's okay?"

Arnold shook his head. "It's a two hour plane trip and she just left an hour ago!"

"She could have at least texted," I threw my phone on the bed and Arnold picked it up.

"What the hell Gerald? She's been texting to you up until the moment she boarded the plane!"

"You think she met some guy in the terminal?" I could feel my heart starting to beat a little faster. If I kept freaking out I would have a panic attack.

"You're being ridiculous!"

I knew I was beginning to sound crazy but I couldn't stop myself. "I'm sorry I just can't relax when she's away from me."

"She's only going to be gone for a week! It's not that serious."

"It is that serious Arnold." I shook him. "If I'm not with her how am I going to protect her? You know how many guys try flirt with her a day? And the little slut just giggles back like it's nothing."

"Slut?" He raised an eyebrow. "I don't think Phoebe is a slut Gerald."

I ignored him. "I thought Lorenzo was bad, but what if she meets one of those country ass farm boys bitches love so much? He will come in and sweep her off her feet without even giving me a fighting chance!" Arnold rolled his eyes. "I have to keep tabs on her or else I will lose her man."

"Let me guess you know her schedule by heart, even her locker combination?"

"Three to the left, nine to the right, back round to thirty-nine."

"And look at this you and her text each other at least a hundred times a day!" He scrolled through my text messages. "Don't you think that's a bit excessive?"

"Nope, like I said, I have to keep tabs on my woman." I snatched my phone out of his hands.

"I text Lila too but there's no reason for me to know what she's doing every second of the day."

"You know what, fuck you. I don't have to justify shit to you."

"Look I'm just a little concerned okay? You and Phoebe…you just seem too close to each other. That's all I'm saying."

"She's my girlfriend Arnold. What did you think was going to happen?"

He's quiet for a moment. "Did you guys have sex yet?

"No…why?"

"Just curious…it could explain your attachment to her."

"I hate when you try to get all Dr. Phil on me." I looked at my phone. No new messages. "Have you and Lila?"

"No…came pretty close the other day, but her Dad called and she had to go home."

I chuckled to myself. "Phoebe really wants to wait, but every time we are alone together it just escalates to more. She's going to give in soon though…I just have to push her little more."

Arnold frowned. "You're not forcing her are you?"

"I stop every time she asks…okay not every single time."

"Gerald!"

"What? She shouldn't get me so horny. But I'm not going for the whole thing until she's ready I swear. I would never rape her or anything like that."

"Okay good, because I don't care how much you box, I would kill you if you did that to her."

"Although her cute little tits make me want to sometimes."

"Gerald!" He threw a pillow at me and I laughed. "I don't want to know about you sex life."

"I thought we just established the lack thereof." My phone beeped.

_Just landed. Going to be a little busy with family for a few hours. Call you later tonight. I love you. –Phoebe._

I didn't text her back. If spending time with some family members that she barely knew was more important than talking to me then so be it. Ignoring her for a couple of hours would let her know how pissed I was. "Come on, I want to go buy some beer." That's why I had gone over to Arnold's in the first place. The previous night Dad and I had another blow out and he got me pretty good on the side of the head. I wanted to numb the pain.

"It's only two, on a Wednesday at that!"

"It's happy hour somewhere." I slipped my shoes on. "Please, I don't like drinking alone. Makes me feel like a loner. And I promise not to let you get too fucked up. "

Arnold sighed hard. "I'm already fucked up by coming along."

And he was right. We got wasted that afternoon. Completely off our asses drunk. I slept over his house and woke up with a splitting headache. But it was worth it at the time. Gave me something to concentrate on besides Phoebe. And the impending doom of my family.

"What's up little bro," Jamie-O grabbed hold of me as I walked past the kitchen. Of course I had to suffer through the obligatory chokehold.

"Will you grow up?" I pushed him off me. Jamie-O had always been pretty built but now we stood toe to toe. "Besides I got a headache and I'm in no mood for your shit."

"Oh is poor little Gerald hung over," He laughed.

"Fuck you!" I was in no mood for his bullshit. I still had to shower and get ready for Thanksgiving dinner.

"Hold up though," I turned and glared at him.

"What?" He grabbed my head and tried to pull me closer and held me still when I resisted. "Will you let me go?"

"Where'd you get this?" He gingerly touched my bruise.

"Why do you care?"

"Because this doesn't look like a boxing bruise…who did this to you?"

"Wouldn't you like to know," I moved away.

"Come on don't be like that. I'm the only one allowed to rough you up." He popped his knuckles. "Tell me who I need to talk to."

"Dad," I said bluntly. I don't know why I told him. Maybe I had hoped that he would do something about the abuse. You know be a good big brother and save his younger siblings.

"Dad? Are you being serious right now? Dad did this to you? " He looked confused. Jamie-O didn't want to believe it.

"He was drunk, I came home after curfew." Downplay the situation. Another form of lying I had mastered. "We got into a fight." I shrugged. "Not a big deal."

"Gerald…" He shook his head. "Maybe I should go talk to him.

"No!" I said to suddenly. Jamie-O narrowed his eyes. "I mean it's not that big a deal."

"Yeah well he shouldn't be getting physical with you. It's not right. You sure you don't want me to talk to him for you." I did. I wanted him to so badly. I was just too damn prideful.

"I said it's not a big deal okay so just drop it." I could feel the blood pumping faster through my veins. Jamie-O was getting too close to finding out the family's dark secret. I couldn't ruin his image of Dad. Not for my own personal gain. Not to end my own abuse.

"Mom told me his job was pretty stressful but I never thought-"

"It's not what you think alright!" I snapped. "Just leave me alone okay?" I stormed upstairs before he could respond.

The punching bag helped a lot that evening.

All through dinner Jamie-O was giving Dad and I a weird look, but in the end let it go. Who cares if he knew what was going on right? There has always been an unspoken rule in our family, even before Dad started drinking. Family business is family business. Anything bad just got swept under the rug, never to be discussed again. Jamie-O had a wife now; he was living his own life. I couldn't depend on him for shit. Jamie-O left for college the year Dad started drinking heavily. Got married six months after Dad put me in the hospital for the first time. I was only thirteen. Sure he may have cared, may have even been worried, but has he ever lifted a finger to help? Hell no. Jamie-O is a selfish, arrogant, son of a bitch. Fuck him. Fuck this family. I wish they were all dead. I want to watch them die.

No.

No, that was rude.

I don't want them dead Judge Banks, honest. I'm just upset. I just wish things could go back to normal again. I wish I didn't have to lie about my bruises and broken bones. I wish Dad would stop drinking and Mom would stand up for herself. I wish I never hurt Phoebe. I wish that I had my friends back. I wish I wasn't so scared and angry.

I wish that I could just be me.

Not the dark me, no, the Gerald I used to know.

I wonder what happened to him.

I wish he would come back.

* * *

Drops of water land on the journal.

I look to the sky. Not a cloud in sight.

"Stop being such a little bitch Johanssen." I wipe the tears from my eyes. "No need to get all depressed on Thanksgiving. That's what therapy is for."

**December 2nd **

I am no longer the most talked about student at Hillwood High.

Apparently Phoebe has started dating a certain pretty boy.

I knew that bastard couldn't be trusted. He had been waiting patiently in the sidelines, gratefully taking my spot when he saw an opportunity.

"Lorenzo huh?" She is so cute when she's startled.

"You're breaching the terms of the restraining order again." Phoebe keeps walking.

"Is it so wrong to want closure?"

"I have nothing to say to you Gerald."

"But I just have one question for you,"

She stops and exhales impatiently. "What?"

"You know how much I hate that guy. Why are you dating him?"

"Who I choose to date has nothing to do with your personal preferences."

"You could do better."

"And you think you are?"

"I am better…now. Therapy is helping a lot. I'm not as angry as I used to be." That part is true at least. Something about writing in that damn journal is a lot more therapeutic than boxing.

"Well I'm happy to hear that."

"So will you drop this silly restraining order, and maybe…hang out with me sometime?"

Phoebe shook her head. "I can't."

"Why? Because Lorenzo won't let you? That's controlling behavior you know, I learned that in therapy. You should leave him."

"Lorenzo has nothing to do with my decisions Gerald. That's why I'm with him. He doesn't try to dictate my every move. And it's clear that you still have a lot to learn."

"Phoebe don't go,"

"Keep getting help Gerald, it's doing you good."

I watch her continue her walk to the front office.

I make no move to stop her.

I want to punch Lorenzo's teeth in.

I go to the library instead; got to keep my grades up.


	11. Chapter 11

**December 20th **

It doesn't snow that often in Hillwood, but I like when it does. Snow always reminds me of being a kid and hanging out with my friends. All the snowball fights and ice hockey, building snowmen and drinking hot chocolate. I liked mine with marshmallows and Mom always made the best. Timberly is out there now, being a kid. I envy her. Dad is at work and Mom has gone grocery shopping. If I still had Phoebe I probably would have invited her over. I loved to cuddle with her under a heavy blanket and watch movies. And she loved it too. She loved it a lot.

* * *

"Gerald!" Phoebe walked up to me as I stepped out of the locker room. Coach had given me a serious weightlifting exercise and I was pretty sore. I really needed to take an ice bath, but I wasn't thinking clearly.

"What do you want?" I crossed my arms. Phoebe usually came with me to my boxing practices and did her homework while I did my workout. However, she texted me in the middle of eighth period, saying that she had to go home and talk to her parents. She was gone before I could talk to her after class. I was irritated to say the least. Phoebe never ignored me for any other obligations. Hell she had no other obligations because of me. What made her parents so damn important?

"Please don't be upset," She put her hand on my arm but I pushed her away.

"Don't you have somewhere to be, like with your _parents_?" I shoulder checked her as I walked to the parking lot. Phoebe followed me like the obedient bitch she was.

"I had to talk to my parents; I had to ask them for permission."

"Permission for what?" Didn't she need my permission as well? We did everything together so I should have been the first person she asked. Was she doing something without me?

"To stay home by myself during winter break," She beamed.

A small smile played across my lips. "Oh really?" A couple of weeks ago I had asked Phoebe if she could spend the second week of winter break with me, instead of going with her family to Kentucky. I told her how miserable I was without her and that I would go crazy if she were to leave me again. At first she was reluctant to do so, but agreed to at least talk to her parents about the idea. "I'm guessing they said yes?"

"Yes!" She squealed and jumped to my arms. I held her close and gave her a deep kiss. Five uninterrupted days with my girlfriend, what more could a guy ask for?

"I can't wait baby, I promise you won't regret this. That whole week I will treat you like a queen,"

"I thought you already treated me like a queen?"

"Then I will treat you like a goddess. I love you so much."

December 30th couldn't have come fast enough. Phoebe had lied and said that she would have Helga spend the week with her while she worked on her studies. She called me about an hour after they left. It was the first time we were truly alone in our relationship and I couldn't keep my hands off of her.

"Mmm, Gerald, slow down,"

I captured her lips, silencing her pleas. After so many months of asking me to slow down, I had no intentions of doing so.

"G-G-Gerald," she panted. "I don't know if this is such a good idea," She didn't stop me as I removed her top.

"I just want to make you feel good my love," I laid her back on her bed and removed her dark leggings. I smirked at her Christmas themed bra and panty combo. "You're such a dork," She blushed and closed her legs. "But you're my dork." I began kissing her again, more gently. I was getting too excited and I wanted to cherish this moment.

"I love you," she murmured.

"I love you too." I planted soft kissed along her thin neck. It only took me a matter of minutes to cover it in hickeys. Later she would complain about having to hide them, but for now all I heard were her moans of pleasure. Phoebe whimpered slightly as I unclasped her bra. "Your skin is so beautiful my angel, so milky white," I sucked hungrily on her nipples, causing her to arch her back.

"Gerald…" she gasped. "Oh baby you know I'm sensitive there," I didn't let up, savoring in her moans.

"I'm sorry my love, I just want to appreciate every inch of you." My hands began to wander. I had reached the hem of her red panties. What was once forbidden territory was now mine.

"Wait," I gave her a quizzical look as she sat up. "Let's not rush it," Her eyes were becoming more seductive. "I mean, we do have all week, we should do this right." Her hands tugged at the edge of my shirt and I quickly removed it. Phoebe was a big fan of foreplay. The more interaction beforehand, the better the sex would be later on. That night I had one of the best blowjobs of my life. I know I was her first everything, but there is no way Phoebe was that naturally talented. She had to be practicing on someone, or at least _something_.

"Damn girl," I pulled away from her greedy mouth. I had been saving up for a week and I didn't want to waste it on something I got on the regular. "Lie back,"

She obliged. I pulled her panties off and spread her legs wide. Phoebe covered herself, blushing profusely. "Don't stare,"

I smiled and kissed her deeply. "I can't help but stare at something so beautiful," We continued our passionate kiss as I rubbed against her. "Are you sure you want this?" She licked her lips as her juices began to cover me. "Tell me now, and I will stop."

"Yes…yes. I'm ready." I nodded my head and positioned myself. "Wait, a condom, you need a condom." I quickly searched through my discarded jeans and pulled out the gold wrapper. I carefully it put on, making sure there were no holes in it. There was no way in hell I was ready for a baby. Phoebe nodded her head gratefully as I repositioned myself. "Go slow okay?"

"I will baby," I said, kissing her again.

I pushed in.

Not all the way, just the head.

Phoebe bit her lip. "Are you okay, want me to stop?"

"No…keep going,"

I continued on, Phoebe biting her lip even harder. She closed her eyes tight as I pushed all the way to the base. It was so tight. I don't know why, but something about us both being virgins made me fall in love with her all over again.

"Are you okay?"

"Yes…just let me get used to it," I wanted to move so badly but willed myself to be patient. I didn't want to ruin this for her. "Okay, now just go really slow,"

And I obeyed. As I slowly moved my hips, Phoebe began to relax. Small moans escaped her lips as she began to enjoy herself. Groans of pleasure replaced that as I moved faster. When I began to thrust harder she released these almost animalistic screams of desire. I tried to last I really did. I think fifteen minutes isn't bad for your first time right? Hearing Phoebe's own orgasmic shrieks was enough to send me over the edge. I growled my love for her, filling the condom in one shot.

Best. Orgasm. Ever.

I collapsed next to her on the bed, both of us covered in sweat, panting.

"Wow…that was…amazing." She was glowing.

I smiled and wrapped my arms around her. "I love you,"

"I love you too, thank you for being my first."

"Thank you for being mine." I kissed her head. We did it two more times, before I called home and told Mom I was sleeping over at Arnold's again. She didn't question it. I had only brought five condoms with me, but it was enough. I held Phoebe so close that night. We had now shared something so special, and there was no turning back. No matter how much Phoebe pushed me away I would always be her first, and nothing would ever change that. Nothing.

* * *

**December 21st **

"Hey,"

"Hey,"

"Get in I'll drive you home,"

"Why would you want to do that," I scowl.

"Not everyone has an agenda my friend, besides I can tell you hate the city bus. To be honest I can't blame you. Those things are filthy."

For weeks now Nick has been texting me, asking if I wanted to hang out. I don't even remember giving him my number. Today he has finally made his presence known by showing up after anger management class got out.

"Fine," I still don't trust him, but he is right; I hate riding the bus.

"Vanessa go open the door for the man," The young Hispanic girl hesitates but does as she's told.

"Thanks," I can't help but eye her tummy. _She looks about six months…damn. That could have easily been Phoebe._ Nick's eyes never leave her as she walks back over to the passenger side and gets in.

I buckle up as he pulls out into traffic. "Why are you doing this Nick? I thought you were too good for people like me?"

"You need a break from all the bullshit," He says casually as we drive through downtown.

"Explain?"

"You and I are a lot alike Gerald. We both really love our women, and other people don't seem to understand that," He glances at Vanessa who is rubbing her tummy absentmindedly. "Hell sometimes our own women don't understand how much we love them." Nick slams down hard on the breaks as he approaches a stop light. Vanessa is sent forward, the seat belt the only thing saving her from going flying. We are lucky no one was directly behind us.

"Ow, Nicky be more careful please, you could have hurt me and the baby."

"Then pay attention when I'm talking bitch."

Vanessa covered her mouth. "All that movement is messing with my head…I think I'm going to be sick."

"I will kill you if you barf in my car bitch." He rolled the window down for her so she could get some fresh air.

"No…I think I will be okay Nicky." She laid her head back on the headrest.

"Now where was I?" He looked back at me in the rearview mirror. There is something in his eyes. My stomach slowly turns into knots. "That…therapist," He scrunches his face. "He doesn't know what he's talking about. Noah was right when he said he was just trying to fuck with our heads."

"Well I don't know…I'm not as angry as I used to be."

"That's just the little mind control game he plays on us." We pull off again.

"Yeah that guy has Nicky all wrong. He's not a bad guy at all. My parents are just really overprotective." She puts her hand on his but he pulls away.

"Like I told you guys, I never had a problem. I just needed to get her parents off my back." We pass what used to be Gerald Field. It's a dry cleaner's now.

"Well that's good for you. What's any of this got to do with me?"

"How are things going with your girl?"

"Phoebe…not so good. She still hasn't dropped the charges." I feel a slight twinge in my heart.

"You're not trying hard enough. She has no incentive to drop the charges."

"Excuse me?"

"Right now she's running the show. You can't live without her and she's made you her bitch."

I stiffen. "I'm no one's bitch."

"I only call it like I see it man," He says, a cocky grin on his face.

We pass Phoebe's street and after a few more miles turn on to mine.

"How do you know where I live?"

"I see you as a friend Gerald, a friend in need, and I like to keep tabs on my friends."

"A friend huh?" _Friends are few and far between right now. Can I afford to be picky?_

Nick smirks. "Stick with me and you will be with your girl again soon." I get out of the car. "Say goodbye Vanessa,"

"Bye Gerald, it was nice meeting you," She gives a little wave and smile, but it doesn't meet her eyes. _Did I do that to Phoebe?_

"See you around Gerald," I watch as Nick drives away.

I think morning sickness is contagious, because I throw up once he's out of my sight.

* * *

I didn't like Phoebe doing things without me. I don't know why I didn't, I just did. Maybe I was jealous back then, maybe insecure too. But I'm still insecure, just maybe not so jealous. I still hate that she's dating that prick Lorenzo. He was always bad news. Couldn't trust him as far as I could throw him. I should have knocked him out when I had the chance.

Phoebe started spending less time with me after we got back from Winter Break. She always had some excuse for why she couldn't hang out with me after school or cancel our dates before I could even plan them. To be honest with you Judge Banks, I thought she was cheating. I mean that's the only thing that explains it. I don't know why I couldn't trust her.

"Come on why can't we go see a movie tomorrow? We haven't hung out together in almost a month!" I was getting annoyed with her behavior and had finally cornered her after school.

Phoebe closed her locker and looked up at me just biting her soft lip. "I have plans Gerald."

My eyes narrowed and I pushed her up against the locker. "What kind of plans? What are you doing that doesn't involve me?" I snarled.

"Our fencing competition," I turned around to see Lorenzo standing behind me. "Everything okay over here?" He glanced at me before giving Phoebe a concerned look.

"We're fine Lorenzo," I backed off of Phoebe, who looked down at the floor, refusing to meet Lorenzo's stare. "What fencing competition are you talking about?"

His face lit up in surprise. "Phoebe didn't tell you? We have our fencing competition tomorrow. It's a pretty big deal. She and I have been preparing for this tournament for weeks now. Surely you've noticed her absence?"

I looked down at her and she wrapped her arms around herself. "Trust me I have." I lifted her chin up. "My angel, why didn't you tell me about this competition?" I was being sweet, didn't want to give Lorenzo the impression that I was upset with this revelation.

"Well…I thought you would think it was silly." I smiled stroking her hair. "Plus these things can be pretty boring, and I know you have better things to do with your time then watch me sword fight."

"Nonsense Phoebe, give yourself some credit, you are very skilled. You could win our tournament singlehandedly." Lorenzo said.

I ignored him. "I would love to come to your competition Phoebe; I will even take you out to celebrate your victory afterwards."

Phoebe gave me a confused look. "Really? You want to come support me?"

"Of course, what kind of boyfriend would I be if I didn't support you?" I kissed her head.

"Well…okay." She smiled. "Umm Lorenzo I'm going to go home with Gerald tonight, I will see you at the tournament."

Lorenzo kissed her hand. "Until tomorrow my little flower."

I put an arm around Phoebe's shoulder and guided her to the parking lot. It took all my power not to slam her into my car. Controlled rage, a talent Dad has taught me throughout the years.

"Why do you like lying to me baby?" She was silent. "Well?"

"I'm sorry Gerald, I know you didn't want me to hang out with Lorenzo and not do this whole fencing thing, but I have to."

"You have to huh?"

"Yes…I want to win a trophy with Lorenzo and the rest of my teammates."

"No you just want to make a fool of yourself."

Phoebe blinked a few times. "I won't make a fool of myself."

"Okay that's what you think. Don't worry baby I will be there to support you, but don't expect me to pick up the pieces when you fail." I swerved in and out of traffic.

"I won't fail." Her voice was tight, like she had to force the words out.

"Yes you will. I told you Lorenzo just wants to fuck you, so he will say anything to make you feel good. At least I'm telling you the truth. I've seen you fence before remember? You're not that good baby."

"That's not true," She put a slim hand to her eye.

"I wouldn't lie to you Phoebe. You're going to embarrass yourself at that competition. But if you would rather listen to fucking Lorenzo than me go ahead. I'm just being honest with you."

We drove in silence. "I mean you would listen to him since you're clearly fucking him."

"I'm not having sex with him." The tears flowed freely

"Yeah sure,"

"I'm being serious right now. You're the only one I've been intimate with."

"Okay slut, whatever you say." I pulled up in front of her house.

"Please don't be like this, I love you." She tried to put her hand on my arm but I shoved her against the passenger door.

"Get out of my car bitch."

"Gerald…"

I reached over, opened her door and pushed her out the car.

"See you tomorrow you fucking whore." I sped off leaving her lying on the sidewalk.

I showed up to Phoebe's tournament right before she went up. I gave her a hug and wished her luck. She was trembling. I remember wondering why.

Phoebe's team came in second place, a big improvement from the previous year when they didn't even place.

"I knew you wouldn't be good enough." She hung her head as I drove her home. "You went in there with your head in the clouds, thinking you would be going home with a shiny first place trophy." She began to cry. "Those crocodile tears won't make it better sweetheart. Don't get upset because you ended up being a failure. I told you this would happen and you didn't listen to me, so you have no one to blame but yourself. Dumb bitch."

Phoebe formally quit her fencing team the next day. I was happy. Now there was one less thing getting in the way of our relationship.

As I write this I guess it was my fault. But to be honest I felt justified in my actions. Leon says that's just one of the delusions I have placed for myself to help me cope with whatever problems I'm trying to deal with. I thought I was only an ass when Dad had got physical with me. I hate knowing he's gotten to me on a subconscious level.

I put the pen down and reread my journal entry.

* * *

It's all so…wrong. I wasn't that cruel was I?

I don't feel like boxing today so I put on my running shoes and head out. I can get in about five miles before Dad is supposed to be home.

I end up in front of Phoebe's house again. Every time I go running I always pass her house. I jog past it three times before the living room light turns on. I pause hoping to catch a glimpse of her, but I know if I do she will call the cops on me. Why won't she drop the charges? Why won't she let me be with her again? Why can't I love her? I start jogging back home.


	12. Chapter 12

**January 4th **

"When is it okay to use violence?"

I'm getting real sick of this shit. Are we five now?

Damien chuckles. "Self-defense comes to mind. If I didn't know how to fight I would be dead by now."

"You got to protect yourself okay, self-defense is acceptable. What other times is it okay?"

"Revenge?" Chuey asks.

"What do you mean?"

"Okay let's say my boy got jumped right? I should be allowed to go and find the fuckers who beat him and kick their asses."

"In theory yes, but then again history has proven that violent retaliation is never the answer. It usually ends in death. How many of your friends have you had to bury because they were out looking for revenge?"

Chuey shakes his head. "Only about five so far, the rest are upstate. They ended up killing the other guys."

"My point exactly, so while wanting revenge is nice, there is no real positive outcome. Is there any other reason to use violence?"

"What about for protection?"

Leon smiles. "Sure, police have to use violence to protect others, but you're not an officer are you Gerald? Why would you have to be violent to protect someone?"

"Let's just say you know...you saw some dude beating on like a little kid or something. If you start beating on the dude to stop him, aren't you protecting the victim?"

"Have you had to do that before Gerald?"

_Hell I had it happen to me._

"Once or twice I suppose. You know like when my friends got into a fight or something, I've got to jump in and protect them."

"Helping out those in need is very noble. While I do not condone it, I can see that as a justifiable reason to use violence."

"I guess that makes me a martyr."_ Timberly better be fucking grateful._

"The key thing I want you to take home today is knowing when it is not okay to use violence. Just because you're pissed off at someone, particularly your partners, doesn't give you the right to smack them around."

"So what are we supposed to do when we want to start using our fists?" Kyle asks.

"I personally find comfort in showering in ice cold water. But you should do whatever you find calming. Go for a run, read, write, anything to just get away from the problem."

"But what if you can't get away from the problem? Ellie just loves to follow me around, antagonizing me even more." Damien scowls.

"Then run like a bat out of hell. Do whatever you can to get away from him. You gentlemen may not know it but that's a form of abuse as well. However, you are still responsible for your own actions."

Chuey sucks his teeth. "No offense man, but you seem to be asking a lot from us these days."

"No, I'm asking you to stop being little boys and to start acting like men."

"Motherfucker we are men."

"Real men wouldn't be sitting in this class Chuey. Real men know how to control their anger." Leon looks me dead in the eye. "And real men confront their problems head on, instead of taking their frustrations out on unsuspecting victims." I break our stare, ashamed. "Class dismissed."

I linger by the door pretending to be preoccupied with the bulletin board. "Something on your mind Gerald?" I look around, everyone is gone.

"Can I ask you something?"

I can't read Leon's face. "Sure, what's up?" I sit back in my chair as he watches me gather my thoughts.

"I want to get better, I really do. But I don't think I can confront my problems."

"And why not?"

"It's…I…I mean…" I sigh hard. Why isn't this working? "I know what I did to Phoebe was pretty bad, but I don't understand why I can't be with her. Our relationship…from my end it was perfect…how did it get so toxic so fast?"

"I can't answer that for you Gerald."

"Then what are you good for?"

Leon smirks. "I can only guide you, that's my job. Look this is clearly weighing heavily on your heart, but until you reflect on whatever it is you did to Phoebe, this shame and confusion your feeling won't go away."

"I just love her so much. I want to be with her so badly. Part of me doesn't care that I'm not good enough for her, I just want her to be mine."

"That's the control talking Gerald, and that only comes from one place." He touches my chest. "You need to be honest with yourself. What's the real problem in your life?"

_Leon is a therapist. He probably hears this sob story ten times a day. I'm no one special._ "Well… my family isn't that perfect…you see my Dad…" _Shut up you idiot! You are damn near eighteen there is no reason for you to be acting like a little bitch._ I stand up quickly. "I have to go Leon. I forgot I have a ton of homework to do this weekend."

"Hey Gerald wait," My hand is on the door knob. "Listen if you don't want to be honest with me, at least be honest with yourself. I know you have to write in that journal. Write down the truth okay? I promise you will feel better."

"See you next week Leon," I'm out.

* * *

My Dad has always been big on time. Either you're on time or you're late. Even before he started working for Big Bob it was a lesson Dad wanted me to learn real quick. I guess I'm a slow learner. I have never been too fond of my eleven o'clock curfew, it interfered with my partying. I can always qualify my actions and chalk it up to typical teenage rebellion. With others, I am less forgiving. Let Arnold tell you, I hate waiting around for people. And this is fairly common knowledge in my circle of friends Judge. Hell even Lorenzo knew not to try my patience when it came to time, and he's been fucking with my head since Phoebe and I got together. I do not tolerate lateness.

I kicked my tire wishing it was her head. Why was she keeping me waiting?

_Where the hell are you?_ I texted her. No response, again.

I checked the time, it was almost four, school got out forty-five minutes ago.

_Will you hurry up? I have to get to my boxing class!_

She wasn't in eight period either. Come to think of it I hadn't seen her since lunch. There was an incident where Curly attempted to woo Rhonda for the umpteenth time.

"Oh my sweet, I have a present for you." Curly appeared by Rhonda's side, arms behind his thin back.

"You fucking freak get the hell away from me!" She shoved him away. Curly stumbled but that did not deter his grin.

"But my love I have a present for you and after this you will no longer be able to deny my love for you."

"Curly I swear to God if you are not out of my sight in five fucking seconds I'm kicking your ass!" Everyone in the cafeteria was staring at him, Curly always loved an audience.

"Just have a look my dearest." He then presented her with a painting of real beating heart. "It's my heart; it beats solely for you Rhonda."

Rhonda rubbed her temples. "Please tell me this is not happening." She muttered.

"Wow…that's umm…really unique Curly. I like how you used all that red; it makes it look pretty cool." Arnold said trying to diffuse the situation.

"Thank you Arnold, it's my blood."

"What?" Rhonda backed away from him.

"Well yeah Rhonda, it's not a pretty accurate picture of my heart if I didn't use my blood to help me paint it." His grin widened. "Do you like it?"

"I think I'm going to be sick," Lila pushed her food away.

"Damn I knew Curly was crazy but I didn't know he was a fucking psycho." I said putting an arm around Phoebe as Curly tried to get Rhonda to look at his painting.

"You don't know anything about him," Phoebe said under her breath.

I was about to respond when Helga walked over and put a firm hand on Curly's shoulder. Brainy was right behind her, looking ready to help Helga take him down. She whispered in Curly's ear and slowly guided him away from Rhonda. Phoebe moved to follow her but I held her down at the table.

"Where do you think you're going?" Her eyes darted between me and Helga. Helga looked over her shoulder and Phoebe bit her lip. The blonde rolled her eyes and led Curly out of the cafeteria, Brainy in tow. "Don't get involved Phoebe, you don't need to be seen with those freaks," I held her close and went back to eating my lunch. Curly did something crazy like that fairly often although this was the first time in months he had done something so extreme. Phoebe stayed quiet the rest of lunch, not bothering to partake in the gossip now surrounding Curly.

_Phoebe if you aren't out here in the next five minutes I'm leaving your dumb ass._

I leaned against my car. I wouldn't leave her, I was too worried. Why wasn't she answering her text messages? A little heads up is all I wanted, is that too much to ask for?

I was ready to text her again when she walked out of the side doors with Curly and Helga. She was holding his hand. That trifling ass bitch. It wasn't enough for her to cheat on me with Lorenzo, now she had to go around with the school freak? Phoebe stroked his hair and gave him a hug; he was unresponsive. She and Helga exchanged a few words before Phoebe walked over to me.

"I'm so sorry baby; I know you must have been worried sick." I looked away, ignoring her. "I know you said don't get involved with Curly and his problems but he needed me today..." Helga and Curly had walked back inside the school building. "…and he told us that he stopped taking his medicine and…" I lowered my eyes down to her innocent face as she looked up at me. "...and I'm really sorry."

I backhanded her.

It felt good.

Phoebe fell on her ass holding her cheek.

"G-G-Gerald,"

"Get up," I grabbed her arm and flung her up against the side of the car. "You think I give two shits about what you had to do with Curly?" I gripped her arm tighter; I could feel her bones "I told you not to talk to other guys, I told you not to hang around Helga, and I told you not to keep me waiting." I said through gritted teeth. Phoebe was breathing heavily, trying to get free of my grasp. "What do you have to say for yourself?"

"I'm s-s-sorry."

"_I'm sorry,_" I mocked. I had no sympathy for her. Phoebe knew what the rules were, if she didn't want to follow them she deserved to get punished. "You just love making me look like a fool don't you? I bet you three were having a good laugh at my expense huh?"

"Gerald please, you're hurting me!"

"No I'm not bitch," I shoved her against the car again. "I ought to beat your fucking ass for disrespecting me like this. Is that what you want?" Phoebe was bawling. "What are you crying for you dumb bitch? You knew this would happen! It's your fucking fault for getting me this pissed off."

"I'm so sorry! I didn't mean to get you upset." She cried.

"Phoebe!" Helga's loud ass voice rang across the parking lot. I put my arms around Phoebe holding her close as to hide her cheek. "Phoebe are you okay? What's wrong?" Helga ran over to us.

"She's fine Helga," I tightened my hold.

"I wasn't talking to you Geraldo." She glared.

"And I said she's fine," I shot back. "She's just feeling a little overwhelmed by the whole Curly thing. Try to keep that freak under control; we don't need him ruining anymore lives."

Helga huffed and rolled her eyes. "You know you can be a real asshole. Phoebe if you want to talk about it when you're not with this dickwad, give me a call. I'm always here to listen, about anything okay." Helga frowned at me for a second longer before turning away.

I didn't release Phoebe until Helga was a good distance away. Her cheek was starting to redden.

"Ice your face when you get home, you don't want to come to school tomorrow and let everyone see how bad you fucked up, do you?"

"N-n-no" She stammered.

"Good, now get your dumb ass in my car so I can take you home. I'm already running late and in no mood for any more of your fucking games."

I peeled out of the parking lot before Phoebe was even buckled in properly.

* * *

I can feel it coming.

The familiar blood flow, my veins are flooding with adrenaline.

What made me think I could write about that? Tell the truth?

I try to swallow. No saliva.

Confront my problems? Yeah right.

I fall to my knees as I try to get out of my desk chair.

What did Leon know?

This one isn't going to be so bad, I mean I can still breathe.

Sure keeping the abuse inside is painful, but is this any better?

I lie down on the floor. Why is the room spinning?

Admitting what happened only causes me to freak out.

Was my floor always this close to the ceiling?

It doesn't change the fact that my Dad will beat the shit out of me whenever he feels like it.

Where is Dad? I can't let him see me like this.

It doesn't change the fact that Phoebe is dating Lorenzo.

Why am I so sweaty?

It doesn't change the fact that things will never go back to how they used to be.

Oh God will my heart ever stop beating?

Timberly finds me an hour later, hiding in my closet, wrapped in an old blanket. She doesn't know about the attacks, and thankfully does not question my condition. "Your phone has been ringing for the past thirty minutes." She holds it up. Fifteen missed calls from Nick. I take it from her as it rings again.

"Hello," My throat is dry.

"Gerald buddy, I knew you would pick up eventually. Remember Gerald, never give up. Success depends partly on determination."

"What do you want Nick?"

"Meet me out front in ten minutes. I've got plans for you. And I'm not taking no for an answer."

Something told me he never did.

**January 12th **

"Where's Vanessa?"

"She's getting an ultrasound today."

"You don't want to be there with her?"

"No, that stuff is boring besides, I know she's having a girl."

I nod my head and sip the beer in my hands. I don't know why he invited me over to his house. Sure it is nice having someone to hang out with again but I hardly know the guy.

"I'm happy for you Nick I really am, but don't you think you're a little young to be having a kid?"

"I get that speech ten times a day Johanssen; I don't need to hear it from you." My eyes widen as I watch him throw his empty beer bottle on the floor. "Yeah I'm seventeen and my girlfriend is having my baby. If you haven't noticed I can provide for my child so I don't see any problems."

An older Hispanic woman walked into the room with a broom and dust pan. She paid no attention to us as she knelt down to clean up Nick's mess. "Hey watch this," He walks over to her and kicks the poor woman down to the ground. "Lucinda what took you so goddamn long? My friend and I could have cut ourselves on this glass!"

"So sorry Mister Nick, please forgive me." _I wonder what country she's from._

"I don't know Lucinda, maybe I should tell my Mom and have you and your family deported."

"No! Please! I clean, I clean and I stay."

"What you don't want to go back to that fucking third world country?"

"No sir I stay. Me and family stay. I stay and clean."

"That's right you will," He spit on the front of her shirt. "Now clean this shit up you useless bitch."

"Yes Mister Nick."

Nick laughs as he sits down on the sofa again. "Good help is so hard to find these days."

"So is finding a statement that's not so cliché."

"Fuck you," He grins. I set my beer down. "Have you been talking to Phoebe?"

"I've tried but…"

"But?"

"I don't think I want to anymore. I mean yesterday in class we talked about obsession and I think I'm obsessed with her. I don't want to worsen that."

"You're in love Gerald; you're supposed to feel obsessed with her. I mean I love the hell out of Vanessa. Yeah I'm not with her right this second but I know she's coming straight home to me."

"Yeah but…"

"No buts! I told you that crazy therapist was going to make you doubt your love for her and now you are. You're never going to get her back now."

Am I ready to commit to a life without Phoebe? "I still love her…but I don't want to hurt her. I don't like it when it happens to me so it's not fair for me to subject Phoebe to it."

"I knew you were abused."

"What?"

"You have Daddy issues written all over you. To the untrained eye it's not so obvious, but you and I are alike. I know you want to kill him sometimes. Don't worry I do too. I hate that fucking sperm donor for abandoning me and leaving me in this hell hole. Everything that has ever happened to me is his fucking fault."

"Man…are you sure you don't want to come back to the class? It sounds like you could use the help."

"I don't need any damn help!" He crossed his arms. "Get out of my house man. I invite you over to hang out and you want to give me the third degree. Some friend," _Why does that sound familiar._

I stand to leave, not wanting to listen to his madness a second longer. "One question…would you really deport Lucinda and her family?"

"Nah it's just to remind that lazy bitch whose boss…besides, I got her daughter knocked up."

I nod my head and go home.

I don't think I will be hanging out with Nick anymore.

* * *

You know Judge Banks, spending time with Nick has put some things in perspective for me. For starters, that fucker is crazy. I think he's the abusive son of bitch that you saw in me. Just a heads up sir, you're going to be seeing him in your court room soon. I don't know how someone can be that unstable and still function.

Anyway today when I got home I saw Dad sitting on the couch and he was going through another bottle of rum. For a while now I've had this fascination with killing him, you know just ending all the pain and suffering. But as I watched him sitting on that sofa I felt nothing but pity. I don't know why I didn't see it before but my Dad is getting old. I mean yeah he can still kick my ass whenever he feels like it, but his job has really taken its toll on him. His hair has taken on a more salt and pepper tone, and there are frown lines where they didn't use to be. I know I drink to help me forget about him and my family, but I only thought that he did it to be an ass. Now…I'm not so sure. Yeah his job is demanding mentally and emotionally but I guess he drinks for the same reasons. It's not fair though. I'm being punished right now but he isn't. I want to ask him about it, you know try to get inside his head like Leon does with me. I'm scared of what he will say. Scared that he's really evil; scared that he has that same rage that I have inside me. If I don't understand it myself how could I possibly expect him to? I mean I only flipped out once, but him? He's been beating the shit out of me for years. That's what makes me want to just bash his face him sometimes. The fact that I could end up like him in a couple of years. Knowing that I put Phoebe through the same shit I've been living with, hiding from everyone. I'm just like that bastard and I hate seeing myself in him. I want to be someone else so badly. I have spent the past seven years trying my hardest to not be his son, wishing every day that he would wake up and see what he has done to me and this family. Now look at me? The love of my life has taken a restraining order out on me, I'm fucking alone and I have to accept the fact that I have become a monster. I am my father's son. Now that's a lot of heavy thinking Judge Banks, and I don't know what I would do if I ever let these feelings loose. Probably break down like a bitch and beg my Dad to love me. And then kill him when he starts beating on me again. I didn't want to put murder on my rap sheet so I left. I'm sitting outside Phoebe's house now. I know you ordered me to stay away from her but I can't help myself Judge. Especially for what I'm about to tell you, I need to be close to her. You know to help make it more real. To help me understand the severity of it all.

It was in March, just like how Phoebe said. You see every year our school throws this crappy carnival style Quiz Bowl Tournament on the fourteenth. Pi Day. Supposed to be fun right? Yeah for nerds. I mean who the hell does something like that in the middle of March Madness.

"So Phoebe are you signing up this year?" Arnold had asked. We still had a week before the tournament.

Phoebe looked over at me but I just poked at my lunch. "Maybe I have to see if the extra studying will fit in my schedule."

"Oh come on, I bet you will win first place, I mean you're like the smartest girl in the school." He put his hand on her shoulder. Phoebe shrugged away, closer to me.

"Well I don't know about being the smartest girl, last year I came in second in the tournament."

"Don't be so meek my flower; you can win the competition this year." Lorenzo said.

"I don't think she will have enough time to study," I put my arm tight around her waist. "We have been spending _a lot _of time together after school, and we wouldn't want some nonsense like Quiz Bowl getting in the way of that." Blood rushed to Phoebe's cheeks as Lorenzo's eyes narrowed. I'm not that modest and didn't really care if they knew I was fucking Phoebe senseless almost every day after school.

"I was thinking about signing up Gerald," Phoebe said as I cuddled with her in her bed. Her parents didn't come home until six, which was perfect since I had my boxing class at five. No overlap, no risk of getting caught.

"Hmm?"

"The Quiz Bowl…I've done it for the past two years. Helga usually helps me study; maybe I could spend the next few days with her…" She trailed off.

I sat up. "What you don't want to study with me?"

Phoebe bit her lip. "It's not that baby, it's just that every time I ask you to help me study, this happens," She gestures to our naked bodies. "Besides I tutor you in Math so I don't see how much of a help you would be."

"So Pataki is smarter than me now?" I frowned.

"No that's not what I'm saying at all. But Helga is in my AP Calculus class-"

"I can't believe you would rather hang out with that bitch than spend time with me."

"Gerald please-"

"No, what makes her so damn special?"

"She's my best friend!"

"All she does is use you Phoebe! The only reason she keeps you around is because you know her secret."

Phoebe's eyes went wide. "What secret?"

I smirked knowing I had some leverage over her. "Her favorite flavor of _ice cream_,"

She gasped as it hit her. "No one is supposed to know about that…how did you find out?"

"Whenever he shows up you two start talking about getting ice cream. Besides it doesn't take a genius to see how her face lights up every time he's around."

"Please Gerald, you can't tell anyone. Helga will think I told you and I don't want to ruin our friendship."

"Don't worry I won't tell anyone, not yet anyway. But if you still want to hang out with her be my guest. Just know that I tend to let secrets slip out. Especially when I drink."

"Gerald!"

"Isn't Rhonda throwing a party over Spring Break? There's sure to be lots of alcohol there."

"Fine…I won't talk to Helga anymore. But can I still sign up for the Quiz Bowl?"

"Hell no! That shit is so stupid. If I find out you did that I will so pissed off, you don't even know."

"But Gerald this is important to me?"

"And aren't I important to you too?"

"Yes but-"

"So if you love me you would want to make me happy right?"

"Yes but Gerald-"

"Well I will be happy if you didn't sign up for that stupid tournament. Unless you don't want to make me happy. Because if you don't like making me happy I can break up with you right now."

"No, please no I don't want that. I won't sign up okay? I promise."

"Good, you're not smart enough for it anyway. I mean you don't want to get up there and embarrass yourself. Leave all that stupid stuff to those other geeks." I glanced at my watch. It was almost five. "I have to go baby. Call me around eight okay?" I kissed her head as I got dressed.

* * *

I strain my eyes. It is getting too dark to stay out here and continue writing. Guess that's a sign from the universe that I'm not ready to go there yet.

**January 14th **

_Hey man it's Nick. I'm really sorry about the other day. This whole baby thing has gotten me a little on edge. Call me back I want to go shoot some pool with you._

**January 17th **

_So Vanessa finally told me the sex of our baby. She's having a boy. A boy Gerald! I mean yeah I'm going to be a father but that's not what I wanted. I don't know what to do. I'm not prepared for this situation. Can you come over and talk about this with me?_

**January 21st **

_That fucking bitch! Vanessa wants to put my son up for adoption! She wants to take my flesh and blood away from me Gerald! She seemed to like you when you two first met, can you please call me back, I need you to talk some goddamn sense into her. _

**January 25th **

_Why have you been ignoring me man? I thought we were friends? Vanessa broke up with me. Apparently I'm not stable enough for her. I bet that bitch is cheating on me. I swear if that baby isn't fucking mine I'm going to kill her….Look I need someone right now, someone who gets me. I got beer. You want to drink with me? Just call me and I'll come pick you up…..Please Gerald. _

**January 31st**

_Hey Gerald man, you got it in good with Leon right? Vanessa said she would take me back if I can get back into that anger management class. Can you just talk to him for me, please? Come on I was helping you get back with Phoebe, now you got to help me out. Just talk to him for me okay. I need to get back in there so Vanessa won't leave me. I'm begging you._

I delete every single voicemail.


End file.
